Nancy’s Story: Becoming a Help Meet

Oct21

 

Help Meet“It’s hard to find good help!”  Why did my husband continually make that sarcastic statement?  And even more pressing, why did it irritate me so?  I helped him all the time.  I at least tried, and I certainly helped him more than he ever helped me.  Yet the comment would still come, and the irritation persisted.  Finally, at the point of total frustration, I took the comment before the Lord in prayer.  Lord, why does he consistently say that it is hard to find good help?  What is it that I need to know?  Those questions were the beginning of a journey with the Lord that has taken me to difficult and yet wonderful places – a journey that I have struggled through, yet a journey that I cherish deeply.

As I took my frustrations and struggling questions before the Lord, He gently began to open some truths to me that have changed my life forever.  First of all, the Lord showed me that I truly was not a very good help to my husband.  In his own way, my husband was asking for me to be a better help, but because of the tone in which he made his comments, I continually ignored and resisted his statement.  Within my mind, I actually argued against his persistent comment.

But in His gracious way, the Lord was beginning to teach me how to be a help to my husband.  How was I going to learn to be a good help?  Quite honestly, did I even want to?  The Lord probed very deeply within my heart, until I saw my selfishness and my self-determined way.  I knew the verse:  It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a help meet for him.  I knew that was the Lord’s purpose in creating a woman, and I thought that I wanted to be that kind of wife.  However, when it came to the place of living it out, I quietly resisted those truths.  Even though I said that I wanted God’s ways, in my heart I found that I really wanted my own way.  Sometimes I went through the outward motions of trying to help my husband, but in my heart I wanted to be doing something else.  There certainly was no enjoyment found in setting aside the things that I wanted, or thought I needed to be doing.  Being a help to him so often seemed like drudgery.  But my eyes were being opened.  I began to see that my husband was right.  I was not a good help to him.  I also began to see that it would take the Lord to give me a true desire, and it would take Him to teach me how to be a good help.  I had never heard anyone address the “hows” of being a help meet for your husband.  They always seemed to just say that you should be one.  I certainly had not had a college course entitled “Help Meet 101.”  No, it was going to take the Lord to teach me what He wanted me to be.

One by one, little by little, here a little, there a little, the Lord put some very practical truths into my life.  The first thing that He taught me was to listen to the things that my husband was saying.  He began to show me that if I would set aside “how” my husband spoke to me, and just listen to “what” he said, I would learn exactly how to be a help to this man.  Because I would always get caught in the emotion of “how” he spoke to me, my mind never really heard “what” he was saying.  And sure enough, as I learned to set aside the sarcasm, belittling tones, even anger, at times, I could hear – really hear – what my husband wanted (and needed).  Sometimes I could just ignore the tones; sometimes I would have to forgive them before I could proceed to listen to the words alone.  I could then take “what” he had said, and the Lord would bring to my mind some very specific ways that I could change my ways or better help him.  Walking in this, time and time again, I became, by the Lord’s grace, a much better help to my husband.  And the joy came, not so much from my husband, but in knowing that this was pleasing to my Lord.

The second major truth that the Lord opened my eyes to see was that I was to be this help to my own husband.  That was why I must hear him.  Being the wife of this man – and this man alone –  would look quite different than being the wife of a different man.  My focus was always to be on what this man needed in a helpmate.  My eyes were opened very clearly to this truth in the area of cooking.  My husband worked hard each day, ate a sandwich at lunch, and expected a rather large, hot meal for supper.  I had a friend whose husband ate business lunches every day, and never wanted a big meal for supper.  Though I quietly wished that my husband, too, would want a small, simple meal, I came to see how important it was to cook for my husband if I was to be a true help to my own husband.  Now, in order to actually follow through in this truth, it meant that several changes would have to take place in my schedule and my life.  But over time, I was privileged to see the delight in my husband knowing that a special meal was prepared for him each evening.  The truth of being a help to my own husband played itself out in many ways.  There was not a certain formula that I could follow to be a help for this man.  I would have to listen to the things that he was saying, take them to the Lord in prayer, walk in those things that the Lord showed me, and over time, watch the confidence that was being built in my husband in the help that I was becoming.  Pure delight would be on his face if there was something that he had just mentioned in conversation that we needed to do in the future, and I took care of it.  What a help I became!

As I was learning to really listen to the things that my husband was saying, I was also learning to watch him.  If I would step back and watch what he was doing for just a few moments, I could always see ways that I could step up alongside of him and assist him.  Perhaps I could bring him something or hold something for him.  It was, however, important that I didn’t try to take over.  I would just quietly help.  Interestingly, by watching him, I learned to anticipate what he would need next.  We also came to really enjoy one another’s company as we worked on his little projects together.  Perhaps one of the most important things that I learned about helping him with his projects was to set aside the things that I had wanted to do.  I wouldn’t even let my mind think on those things while I was helping him.  Always, if I allowed my mind to think on “my” things, I would be distracted and impatient and could not restfully enjoy helping him.  I began to learn how to clear my schedule, take care of the necessary things ahead of time, and set the other things aside so that I could help him without distraction.  Can you believe my surprise and delight when, one day, he declared that he would rather me help him than anyone else, even other men!  What a long way we had come from that sarcastic statement of “It’s hard to find good help.”

I continued to grow.  I was still learning to listen. I was still learning to watch.  Now I began to learn to anticipate what he would need.  Many times I would already know the things that he would need or desire.  It made being a help so much easier.  I could anticipate many things before he even spoke them.  Of course, there were the daily things.  I knew the clothes that he would need for work, the kind of lunch he liked packed, the type of supper he would desire.  But there were also the companionship things that I could anticipate –  what he might like to do to relax, how I could encourage or support him, how I could enrich our times alone together.  What was slowly happening was that I was ordering my life around his, and the results were amazing.

Another lesson that I learned – the hard way –  was that if I truly wanted to be a help to my husband, that had to be the priority of my life.  What things that he asked me to do, I learned to do first.  Many times I would have my list of things to do, and I may not get to those things that he had asked me to do.  I was, then, found either scampering around to get them done or making excuses as to why they were not done.  The Lord had been repeatedly reminding my heart to do those things first, but I didn’t see how it would do any harm when I did them, as long as they were done.  One day the Lord cemented the truth deep within my heart.  My husband had an important meeting and had asked me to do the simple task of making copies for his meeting.  The library was only a block away, so the task was quite an easy one.  The Lord prompted me many times to go make the copies.  I kept putting it off.  A serious rain storm set in, and I waited until later in the day.  When all of that was past, I hurried to the library to make the copies.  I would still have plenty of time.  When I got to the library, the copy machine was broken.  Quickly, I regrouped.  I would go to the post office to make the copies.  When I got there, I found that copy machine also broken.  In disbelief, I hurried to a copy place, made the copies, and returned home.  To my dismay, my husband had come home a little early, went to the meeting without his copies, and was very unhappy with me.  I was so confused.  I had every intention of doing those things that my husband had asked me to do.  It was just all of the circumstances that had hindered me from completing the task.  When I took all of those situations and circumstances back before the Lord, I heard that still small voice say, “If you had done it first, there would have been no problem.”  Though I still need reminding, I learned that day to make helping my husband be the priority of each day.

Still another lesson that I was to learn was to be available to him at all times.  Availability was the key that opened yet another door.  I began to understand that I must not be so busy with my responsibilities that I would be unavailable when he needed me.  Maybe he would come through the house to ask me to give him a hand, or perhaps he would call from work with an errand he wanted me to do.  Was I fully available to him?  Often I found myself telling him why I couldn’t do what he needed.  Rather than see these as conflicting things, I learned to trust the Lord with those circumstances of life.  I would pray for Him to control those “interruptions,” but when they came, I would see them as from the Lord’s hand.  It made it so much easier to give my husband the help for which he had asked.

In all of these things, I learned that there were two important factors involved in truly being a help to my husband.  The first was that I must think according to truth.  I must see my husband in the light of the Word of God.  I must also see my place alongside of him in the light of the Word of God.

The second factor that made all the difference was how my heart had been prepared before the Lord.  Had I taken time that morning to spend time with the Lord?  Had I renewed my mind regarding what the Lord says to wives about their husbands?  Was I prepared, in my heart, for another day of service to my Lord in the place where He had placed me?  If so, I could proceed through the day in a way that honored the Lord.  However, if I had failed to do those things, I began the day with my own thoughts, my own ways, and my own list of things to do for that day.  Those days produced a totally different result.

There was one final thing that proved to be a great blessing to me.  If I would stop from the busyness of life for ten or fifteen minutes before my husband came home, to once again renew my mind, I would be refreshed and eager to see him, looking for ways that I could serve him – ways that I might encourage him – ways that he might be refreshed – ways that I could help him.  But, once again, if I failed to do that, many times he would seem like a bother as he interrupted the many things that I felt I had to do.

“It’s hard to find good help!”  Occasionally I will still hear those words come from my husband’s lips.  But the interesting thing is that they are never directed at me.  They may be spoken about someone working on his job, someone in a department store, or someone in the auto parts store, but never are they spoken about me.  More often than not, I hear, “Thanks for helping me.  I appreciate your help.”  Imagine how my heart smiles!

It has been a long journey, and I continue to learn things from day to day.  I still learn to listen – I still learn to watch – I still learn to anticipate – I still learn to keep my own husband as the priority – I still learn to be available to him – I still learn to renew my mind and to prepare my heart daily. As the Apostle Paul so aptly stated: Not as though I had already attained, either were already perfect: but I follow after, if that I may apprehend that for which I am apprehended of Christ Jesus (Philippians 3:12).  God created me to be a help meet for my husband.  I pray that I may truly live the life for which He created me.

The above anonymous testimony was first printed in Woman – Precious in the Sight of God © 2002.  I, again, extend my thanks to ladies willing to share their story to the glory of God.

Submission: A Journey of the Heart

Oct20

My husband and I had taken some time away, just for the two of us. We had ventured out on a camping trip, which was both refreshing and relaxing. Having more quiet time than usual gave me time to reflect on so many things.

We had finished sitting outside, and my husband began to fold up the camp chairs to insert them into the sleeves in which they are stored. He was having trouble inserting one of the chairs so, without giving it any thought, I reached over and held the sleeve open, and the chair slipped right in. Then together, we did the second chair.

The thought entered my mind, “That’s it!” It wasn’t my thought. I thought, “What’s it?” Then came, “That’s submission.” Those words really made no sense to me. That wasn’t submission, I thought. I just reached over to help him. But I had to stop to think – Was that submission? There had been no discussion, no requests, no disagreement. I just did what seemed like “second nature”.

But in giving the situation more thought, I could see it. I had just moved alongside my husband and quietly helped him accomplish his goal. Hmmm …. I thought … That’s way too simplistic! But that single incident caused me to embark upon a journey in my mind of the many truths that The Lord has taught me over the last thirty years to where (at times) submission has become “second nature”. But, oh my, has it ever been a journey – a long journey. This journey of submission has been filled with both victories and failures, and with both delight and discouragement.

I invite you to join me on this journey, one which has changed my marriage and changed my life. It is one which I would never trade, even at the times yet when my flesh would rise up in quiet resistance. I know what The Lord has worked into my heart, and truly, submission is a matter of the heart. I much desire for that work to be completed in me.

Where did this long journey begin? Would you believe that it was at that same kitchen table which I have mentioned before? There, with all my Scriptures spread out before me, I discovered a very simple, but profound truth. What I found, by comparing scripture with scripture, was that Wives, be subject to your own husbands was the single most frequent command in the Bible that was given specifically to women. Look to see what I discovered:

Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto The Lord. Ephesians 5:22

Therefore, as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in every thing. Ephesians 5:24

Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as it is fit in The Lord. Colossians 3:18

Older women were instructed to encourage the younger women to … be obedient to their own husbands, that the word of God be not blasphemed. Titus 2:5 (Note: the word translated as obedient is the same word that is translated as submission or subjection in other verses.)

Likewise, you wives, be in subjection to your own husbands, that, if any obey not the word, they also may without the word be won by the conversation (behavior) of the wives. 1 Peter 3:1

Can you see the same instruction consistently given over and over again?

Of course, I had heard of submission before, but this time I observed several things. First, this was God that was speaking through His Word, and He continually said the same thing. Next, I realized that this truth was written in the imperative – it was a command! It really was not optional.

I knew that I would have to understand what God was really saying to wives. I asked Him to show me His ways. What I learned, over the course of the next few weeks, was that Biblical submission is not at all what people try to make it.

Importantly, we must understand that the unbeliever cannot and will not walk in this truth. This truth was written to Christian wives. As with any other directive given to Christians, it is all about reflecting The Lord as He is, as we walk in humility and love. Biblical submission is one of the primary ways that a Christian wife will honor her Lord, because it is He who instructs her to do so.

Also, I learned that there is no harshness nor rigidity found in submission. The wife is the one who takes this action. Wives, submit yourselves … The husband is nowhere instructed to “force” this submission. The wife is to willingly submit because it is right in The Lord. I know that we do not see this anywhere in the world nor in our culture today, but indeed, it is according to the truth of the Word of God.

Next, I found that everywhere this directive is given, there is only one person named to whom this command refers. Wives are instructed to submit themselves to their own husband – not to any other man, only to their own husband. That sounds easy enough, right? Just submit to one man? But here is right where the enemy will fight us. We may be able to submit to our pastor, or to our boss, or to someone in a position of authority. But to our own husband – you have got to be kidding! You just don’t know what he is like! So to the single most frequent command to the wife, we find some reason to refuse! How tragic! And how disobedient!

Now, I no longer had room to argue. I knew what God was requiring, but I still needed to understand the meaning of the word submit. I went to a Bible dictionary and found that the word was actually a military term that meant to be arranged under. Ok, I could understand the application. I was to arrange my life under and around my husband – around his life, around his direction. We were to be on the same team, and I was to be on his side.

It was then that the “light bulb came on”. This was the exact truth that I had found when I had studied being a “help” in Genesis. For me to be the kind of help that I needed to be, I had to be with my husband, for him, on his side, arranging my life around his, and under his authority and direction. Oh, the consistency of Scripture! And again, I was reminded that this was God’s plan and design BEFORE the fall. It was goodness, all goodness.

I also was absolutely amazed to understand that this one truth of submission would bring me out from under the curse, concerning my relationship with my husband, and back into the joy for which the Lord had created the woman – BEFORE the fall. Oh, how I desired to walk there! But I knew it would take the Lord to teach my heart. As I said, submission is a journey of the heart. It is not an external rule imposed on the Christian wife. It is a high and holy calling, to which, through my study, The Lord had planted a desire to learn to walk therein!

Lord, nothing about my fallen nature understands or even wants to understand. But the precious Spirit that you have placed within me calls me to a place higher than I have ever been! Help me, teach me, show me, grow me. I want to step into this journey. Change me. Change my marriage. Let me bring glory to you!

What truth had I been reminded of when I had simply helped my husband fold up those chairs? It was my Lord who had taught me through the years: Wives (that was me) submit yourselves (arrange my life under and around) my own husband (David). It had all seemed way too simplistic when we were folding those chairs. But really, it is a simple truth. Thank you, Lord, for truth! Please help me live in obedience, in a way that pleases you!

Making a House a Home

Oct18

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Our aim … our goal … for our homes to be filled with Jesus.

For our homes to manifest the fruit of the Spirit.

It is what is inside the home that counts.

Is my home filled with love?

Is my home filled with joy?

Is my home filled with peace?

Can patience be found in my home?

Can gentleness be found in my home?

Is my home filled with goodness?

Can faith be found in my home?

Is my home filled with meekness?

And is my home filled with self-control?

I know The Lord desires this fruit to be in my heart.  And I know that He desires for it to be in my home.  How will this fruit be found in my home?  Surely, it must come through me!

But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, gentleness, goodness, faith, meekness, temperance: against such there is no law.       Galatians 5:22-23

The Light Still Shines!

Oct15

I gently pushed open the hospital door, knowing that things were not going well. I carefully entered, as quietly as I could. All was dark and still, except for the small glimmer of light that filtered through the space where the bathroom door was slightly ajar.  I could see her there, just sitting in solitude, reading her Bible.  I thought to myself, “What is the deal? Why is she sitting alone reading her Bible at a time like this?  I just don’t get it!” But that was the pattern of her life. How many times as a child had I found her alone in her room reading that Bible!

I turned my attention toward the hospital bed where the frail fourteen-year-old lay.  He should be out running and playing or riding bikes or fishing like other young boys, but here he lay, resting quietly at the moment.  His mom had closed the blinds, turned out the lights, and retreated to the only place of solitude that she could find, where she could both read and keep an attentive ear to her precious son. During his waking hours, he was in extreme pain and discomfort so, as he slept, she lovingly kept any and all from unintentionally disturbing him.  She had faithfully cared for him through the years, and now, she would continue to love, nurture, wait, pray, and trust as the long and hard battle against leukemia would come to an end.

We buried my little brother a few days later.  That little guy had literally been my heart – and my closest side-kick. Many special memories would always remain.  But when I think back on those days from over thirty years ago, that vivid memory of my mother reading her Bible, enclosed in the walls of that tiny hospital bathroom, will be forever etched in my mind.

Years passed, and through the course of time, I, too became a Christian. And, yes, I, too, began to read my Bible.  But I was plagued with doubts and questions. Was the Bible indeed true? Could it all be believed?  Why was it so hard for me just to, by faith, accept it all as true?

Then, one day my answer came. I was doing a study on what the Bible actually declares about itself, and I made the most amazing discovery.  I found that the most unbelievable accounts in the Bible, those that are so often mocked and scoffed at, and those which are so often debated, were used by Jesus in His teachings.  I was intrigued! I followed them through one by one. I studied and pondered how He made references to the Biblical truths of old and used them to explain and expound many of His teachings!

Many do not believe in the Biblical account of Creation. but Jesus did! (Matthew 19, Mark 10)

Many do not believe in a literal flood, but Jesus did! (Matthew 24:37-39)

Many do not believe in the destruction of Sodom and Gomorrah, but Jesus did! (Luke 17:28-30)

Many do not believe that Lot’s wife was turned into a pillar of salt, but Jesus did! (Luke 17:32)

And many do not believe that Jonah really remained alive in the belly of the big fish for three days and three nights, but Jesus did! (Matthew 12:40)

These were the passages that made such an impact on me, but there were more. I also saw how he used these Old Testament truths to teach critical doctrines of the faith.  He used the story of Jonah to exemplify His resurrection. He used the days of Noah and Lot to explain what the world would be like at His second coming. He took some of the most controversial of Scriptures to explain truth.  Truly, He believed the Scriptures, and He believed all of it!  There is no way to explain what happened in the depths of my heart!  It was settled!  If it was good enough for my Lord, it was good enough for me! It was true! It was ALL true!  Within my heart, I KNEW it was true!

Rested, grounded, settled, I continued my studies.  I found the same was true of the apostles.  Peter, James, Jude, Matthew, Mark, Luke, John, Paul, and the writer to the Hebrews would go back and reference the Old Testament scriptures. Indeed, they too, believed!  I knew of a certainty that the Bible was true!  I knew that there I could find truth!  I now knew that in His Word, I could hear Him! And my life would be forever changed!

I would go to His Word to find answers to my questions! I would go there for comfort! I would go there for encouragement! Day by day, week by week, month by month, year by year, in the good times and, most assuredly, in the bad, I could be found in some quiet place reading my Bible.

I think back thirty years ago. In my mind, I re-enter that hospital room. I see my mom in that little hospital bathroom reading her Bible!  She didn’t even know I was looking!  “Oh, mom!  I get it! I understand!”  All I can think is, “I love you, Mom!  Thank you for showing me the way!” – when you didn’t even know I was looking!

And for those of you who may still be waiting on your own children – Don’t give up!  Let your light continue to shine!  Even when you are not aware, your children ARE watching!  You never know what God may do when you do not even know that they are looking!

A Simple Test

Oct12

It was a busy day. I already had my list of things that I needed to accomplish. I knew I would have to utilize my time well to complete all of the tasks that I had placed on my list. And a quick glance at the list would remind me that they were all needful tasks, so I had better get busy.

But then came that gentle, quiet pull to the Scriptures.  A specific scripture entered my mind.  I attempted to push it away without any consideration to the truth contained therein.  I really did have a lot to do, and I really didn’t have time to sit down right now. But, there it was, the same gentle pull to the same scripture.  I passed on through the house to set about to do my duties, but my heart heard it again:

She will do him good and not evil all the days of her life.

I knew that scripture well, but why was it echoing in my mind this morning?  I knew, then, that I needed to stop. I reached for my Bible and sat down.  I turned to that well-known passage in Proverbs 31, a passage that I had studied through the years, one that is often dismissed because of such great familiarity with it – just as I had dismissed it this morning.

She will do him good and not evil all the days of her life.

I began to read and be reminded of that virtuous woman of Proverbs 31.  I recalled that this Biblical word virtuous was actually a word that means strength.  The woman described in the passage is the one that God describes as a strong wife.  And I also recalled that it is not easy to find such a wife!

I moved to the next verse and pondered the great confidence that this husband had in his wife.

The heart of her husband doth safely trust in her.

This husband really didn’t need anything else, because he had her.  He could rely on her.  I knew how that level of confidence had developed – why he so confidently counted on her. I knew because the next scripture explained it:

She will do him good and not evil all the days of her life.

She actually did good – and not evil – to him each and every day!  And that is why his heart could safely trust in her!

That is when this simple test came into my heart:

Did I do good to David every day?

Did I do good to him in my actions?

Did I do good to him with my words?

Did I really help him?

Did I encourage him?

Or were my actions or words used as evil towards him?

And much more pressing, did I even have time for him?

I really wasn’t liking this little “test”.  I knew that I wasn’t a bad wife, but was I this strong wife that is described in Proverbs 31?  What did I need to change?

First, I needed to have my mind renewed.  I had to be reminded, and I had to think according to the truth of Scripture.  Then, I had to change my priorities.  I had to put my husband and his needs in the forefront of my mind.  I had to be ready to do him good as the opportunities arose and as The Lord led.  I prayed through the day ahead.  Something changed.

Now the press to accomplish the tasks on my list seemed to diminish.  My heart was rested.  Yes, I still needed to work on those tasks, but my mind and heart was on my husband and things that would bless him.  And I knew that when he came in for lunch, the atmosphere of my home wouldn’t be in such a hurry and scurry.  I would even attempt to make a lunch that I knew he would enjoy.  And I would take time to sit down and just listen to the things that he might say.  I would be encouraging and positive to him.  As crazy as it sounds, I was starting to look forward to him coming in for lunch.  My heart was set to do him good.

God works in the simplest of ways.  One simple verse can change the whole tone and direction of a day.  I think that going into the day, I was certain to fail the “test”.  But now, God had prepared my heart for the day!  I guess it is as though I had taken time to “study” – to be reminded of truths that God had already taught me –  and I believe that I am going to pass that simple test:

She will do him good and not evil all the days of her life.

And that includes today!

Why the Struggle?

Oct10

Imagine that you are standing beside a towering, wooden fence. You peer through the tiny cracks that seem to call your name.  Through those inviting spaces, you see a beautiful garden. Your heart is captivated, and you intently examine the beauty of the garden.  You desire to walk in the midst of this delightful garden, but you are forbidden.  Something holds you back. Something prevents your entrance. The tall, wooden fence seems to loom In front of you.  You can see the beautiful garden, and you desire to live within those exquisite surroundings, yet you find you are still standing on the outside.  Why can’t you enter in and walk there forever?

This simple analogy is meant to portray what sometimes happens to us as we study the truths of Scripture regarding marriage.  We can go to the garden in Genesis and see the beauty of marriage as God created it. We get a glimpse of the goodness of it, yet we find ourselves standing on the outside.  We would love to be able to walk in the truths that we have learned, yet something prevents us, and we cannot enter in.

Why do we struggle in living out the truths of God’s Word?  Why does a marriage often end up being a miserable battleground rather than the delightful companionship that God intended?  Why, when we desire to change, do we continually return to the battle?  Interestingly, the answer can be found back in the book of Genesis.

A careful examination of the Scriptures will shed light on our dilemma.  In Genesis 1, we a saw God speaking His perfect Creation into existence. Then in Chapter 2, we saw details explained concerning the creation of the man and the woman.  We got a glimpse of the perfect harmony between the man and the woman. Chapter 2 closes with the joining of the two into one flesh. And they both were naked, the man and his wife and they were not ashamed.

But as soon as Chapter 3 opens, deception, temptation, disobedience, and sin unfold.  God’s perfect Creation is marred by sin.  Innocence, perfection, peace, and harmony immediately disappear.  How drastically different the relationships become.  For the first time, the man and the woman become aware of their own selves. And the eyes of  them both were opened, and they knew they were naked. For the first time ever, they become aware of their own flesh.

In addition, their response to God Himself completely changes.  They are afraid, and they hide themselves from God. And as God questions them about their sin and disobedience, blaming and accusations emerge. God declares the consequences that will face not only them, but mankind, forever.  And it is here, as a result of sin, that the struggle is born.

But an even more careful examination of Genesis 2 and 3 will reveal more!

Regarding the man:

In his creation:  God created the man from the dust of the ground.

In his work:   God took the man and placed him in the garden to dress it and keep it. (His  work was directly related to the substance from which he had been created.) And God took him and placed him there.

In the consequence of his sin:  Now difficulty would arise in the very calling and placement of God.  Sorrow, toil, difficulties, thorns, thistles, sweat, struggles would exist in the very calling and purpose for the man.

And follow the parallels regarding the woman:

In her creation:  God created the woman from the side of the man, from his rib

In her work:  God took the woman and brought her to the man. (Her work was also directly related to substance from which she had been created – to be by his side as a help and companion to him.) And God took her and brought her to the man.

In the consequence of her sin:  We  know simply from the design of the woman’s body, that she was the one who was designed to carry children within the womb, to provide a safe, nurturing environment for those children to grow and develop, and she was the one who was designed to nurse children as she snuggled them close to her breast.  But, a part of her consequence would be that in the very thing for which she was created and designed, she would now experience pain and sorrow! She would struggle not only in the bearing of children, but in the raising of them!

Additionally, though she had been created to be a help to the man, she would now desire to rule over him, and, in return, he would rule over her!  Recalling that all of these were negative consequences, we now can understand more clearly the struggle.

What really happened?

The consequences of sin brought an awareness of flesh, a separation from God, and struggles in the very purpose for which God had created both the man and the woman.

Why the struggle, we ask?

We struggle so hard in our marriages because those consequences remain for mankind.  We now have a keen awareness of our own flesh and its desires and are ruled by them; we are separated from God and live apart from Him; and we fight and struggle within the consequences of sin declared from the beginning.

The picture is bleak. Is there no hope? Must we always stand on the outside looking in to God’s perfect ways, but never enter in?

Oh, no, no, no, my friend! There is an answer, but it must be God’s way, and not our own. What, then, is the answer?

First, we must be reconciled to God, and He has made that possible through Jesus Christ. In actuality, He reaches out and calls us to return to Him! And the struggles of life serve to cause us to see our need for Him.

Secondly, we must subdue the flesh.  We must understand that it is impossible for our flesh to produce any good thing.  Our flesh only produces selfishness and strife, both in actions and words.  We must allow the Spirit of the Living God to fill us and control us.  For if you recall, it was the presence of the Spirit of God that Adam and Eve lost which caused them to become so aware of their flesh.

And finally, we must return to the purpose for which God created us.  For the man, dressing and keeping the garden seemed to have the concepts of provision and protection woven within. And for the woman, God’s creative purpose would include being a help and companion to the man.  Additionally, from that union of the two becoming one, God would bring children into the marriage for the husband and wife to nurture, love, and raise to the glory of God.

Three things are a must:  1) a living, loving relationship with The Lord,  2) control by the Spirit of God, and  3) walking in the calling for which God created you.

The struggles will diminish, the joy will increase, and you will forever delight that you entered in!

Susan’s Story: A Crumbling Marriage

Oct7

Sharing Your Story, one of the components of Wisdom and Kindness, provides a place for women to anonymously share their stories.  This category was developed with the ultimate intent of emphasizing God’s faithfulness, even in the difficulties and struggles of life. Each story is true. Each story is anonymously written.  Each story is written to proclaim the hope that is found in The Lord! May The Lord bless!

Susan’s Story – A Crumbling Marriage

My story is neither flashy, nor extravagant.  It is a simple story of how the Lord has worked in my life.  Though there are many things that I could share, I would like for you to enter my life on the day that I got married. I married the man that I loved, though I would later learn that I knew very little about what God’s love in marriage is all about.  My husband and I had what one might call “a friendship marriage.”  I say this because we had been friends for many years before we entered the romantic stage of our relationship.  We enjoyed each other’s company, spent many hours together, and looked forward to being together.  Seeing him drive up in the driveway was the highlight of my day.  Most of our friends thought that we had the perfect marriage.  It wasn’t long, however, before a subtle, but serious, problem began to crumble away at our marriage .  The crumbling was so slight and so minute that, at first, it was totally undetectable.  However, as time passed, the crumbling continued.  Although there was very little arguing and were very few disagreements, the serious, but subtle crumbling continued through the years until our very marriage was about to fall apart.

What I came to learn and understand was that our marriage crumbled away ever so slightly because I did not know the purpose for which God had created me.  I didn’t understand that God had created me to be one flesh with my husband.  Neither did I know that I was to be a help to him.  You see, I lived my own life.  I had my own job, my own responsibilities , and essentially, my own life apart from him.  The more that I headed in my own direction, the farther my life took me from my husband.  At the same time, my husband, who had his own job, his own responsibilities, and his own life, headed in his own direction.  We moved farther and farther apart until the day that my husband no longer desired to be married.  I had not even seen the problem coming.  It so happened that my husband decided to stay with me “for the children’s sake.”

Perhaps the most interesting part of this story was that I had become a Christian about two years earlier. The Lord had been working in my life, but I was still plagued with fears.  By God’s hand, I began to study my Bible.  And then, I began to study what the Bible says about marriage.  My eyes began to be opened.  I began to see what God intended for me as a wife. I also saw how far short I fell.  Studying passage by passage, God began to change me and my understanding of my purpose as a wife.  Little by little, a new marriage began to emerge in place of that old crumbled marriage.  Several months into this “new” marriage, my husband decided to be honest with me about where his feelings – and life – had been and why he stayed in the marriage.  He asked for forgiveness.  The Lord was very clear, “Just as The Lord forgave you, so also should you do” (Col. 3:13, Eph. 4:32).

That is when the real test came in.  Knowing all that I now knew, could I walk in the truths that the Lord had taught me concerning marriage?  Day by day, an amazing thing happened.  The Lord, through His grace, and by the Word of God, began to fully rebuild my marriage.  Change is not instantaneous, but just as my marriage had slowly crumbled away, brick by brick, piece by piece, my marriage was restored.  I would never make this sound like an easy thing, but this I know: when you humble your heart and say that you will obey The Lord, no matter what, He truly blesses that humility and obedience.  As I sought, through obedience, to become the wife that the  Lord had designed and intended, He built my marriage into more than I ever dreamed that a marriage could be.

It has been many years since those difficult days.  My marriage has continued to mature and grow, as The Lord continues to remind me that I was created to be a help and also a companion to my husband, one flesh with him.  The Lord still applies those truths to my life in a multitude of ways, and I am repeatedly blessed in this precious calling as a wife.  The greatest fulfillment that I have ever known is being a wife to my husband.  My prayer for you is that if God so calls you to this calling that you will lay down your own life and pick up the life that God has ordained for you.

The above anonymous testimony was first printed in Woman – Precious in the Sight of God © 2002.  I, again, extend my thanks to ladies willing to share their story to the glory of God.

So, What Is a Help Meet, Anyway?

Oct5

Sometimes I wondered why I had so many questions.  It seemed that when I settled one question in my heart, another would just rise up.  But I have learned that questions are not necessarily a bad thing.  I am not talking about the kind of question that Satan spoke through the serpent in the garden when he said:  Yea, hath God said?  Through that question he brought in doubt, temptation, and finally disobedience and sin (Genesis 3).

The kind of question that can produce amazingly good results is the questioning heart that desires to understand truth – the one that seeks to understand what God is really saying in His Word and how that applies to the individual’s life.

And, for the question to result in goodness, the seeking person absolutely must go to the right place to find the answer. The Bible teaches that the Holy Spirit inspired the holy men of old to speak, and thus, write the Scriptures (2 Peter 1:20-21).  The Bible also teaches that it is the Holy Spirit who teaches us and guides us into all truth (John 14:26, 16:13).  Isn’t it incredible that the same One who authored the Word and fully understands its meaning is the same One Who will teach us!

So, here was my question:  What is a help meet, anyway?  Back to Genesis and into the Scriptures I went.  First, I discovered what a help meet is not!  The kind of help that God had designed the woman to be was not a negative thing. When God finished all of His Creation, as He looked at His completed work, He saw that it was very good (Genesis 1:31).  So then, woman being a help for her husband was a part of this very good thing.

Next, I found that this relationship, with the woman as a help to her husband, was perfect and wonderful!  You may raise an eyebrow at that statement in disbelief, but let me explain why it had to be perfect. This relationship was the way that God Himself had designed it, and the woman was called a help BEFORE the fall.  Perfect God, perfect Creation, perfect relationships!  It may take some time thinking upon this truth to get a grasp of it, but for the woman to be a help to the man had to be amazingly good – not one negative thing about it – all goodness!

It was then that I knew I did not understand much of anything about God’s intentions and God’s ways. I also knew the way that the world (and my own flesh) reacts to this truth had been because of not having the right view.  But, I really wanted to understand the right view – God’s view!

I knew that spiritual understanding could only come, by the Spirit, through the Scriptures, so I continued to dig. I got out some concordances to find where this word help could be found in the Scriptures, in what context it was used, and what was the meaning in those passages.  I was so surprised at what I found!  The word help was most often used when God was speaking of Himself. These were just a few of the passages I found:

Psalm 115: 9-11 refers three times to:  the Lord, He is our help.  

Psalm 33:20 speaks of:  … the Lord: He is our help …

Psalm 124 explains that:   .. the Lord who was on our side is our help.

God had used this word help to describe Himself. This word did not carry the meaning of a wimpy, subservient helper. This word portrayed a strong help – someone who was on their side!

Then as I looked up the word meet, I found that the word was actually part of the phrase meet for him.  It was used in a variety of ways, but commonly meant in the presence of; to stand before; to correspond to. Things were beginning to make more sense. The woman was going to live with the man, in his presence.

God Himself walked with the man, as He was in perfect fellowship with him in the garden. But God was creating another person, of flesh and bone, to be with the man.  Then I recalled that it was the aloneness of man that was not good.   It is not good that the man should be alone. And in response to the aloneness, God had created the woman as a help – meet for him.

Oh, and then another question!  The word help was actually the noun that the Scriptures used to name the woman. I wondered what other nouns were used in the Scriptures to name the wife.  Well, we had this word: help. And then, we had numerous uses of wife and woman.  Those two were understandable. Were there any others?  I searched and searched.  And then, I found it! In all of the Bible, there was only one other noun that I found used to describe a wife.  In Malachi 2:14, God called the wife a companion.  A companion … A companion … A companion!  When I thought of that word placed in the setting of Genesis, I understood!  God was not making the woman in a negative, slavish role as the world would portray.  He was addressing the aloneness of the man.  He was making a companion for the man – a special, beautiful, wonderful, very good creation from God – a companion to walk alongside him, to be with him, to be a strong help to him, to be on his side.

I knew I had lots to pray about. But God had taken all that I had studied and woven those truths into two simple words: help and companion.  I now understood more clearly my calling:  Be a help and companion to David.  I knew that I didn’t know all that this meant, but I definitely knew that I would need to spend much more time with him.  My life would need to be much more about him and much less about me.

I could see that many changes were on the horizon.  But interestingly, they didn’t look like storm clouds.  On the contrary, it was as if a beautiful sunrise was dawning.  As strange as it seemed, something inside me found goodness in this answer. Yes, sometimes questions produce such unexpectedly amazing answers!

It Is Not Good

Oct2

I returned to my kitchen table, the place where I so often studied, with a question on my mind. I was trying to determine why the Creation account of Genesis was so important. In so many passages in the Bible, when discussing women and marriage, that is the truth that was referenced. So as the question pressed on my mind, I bowed my head to ask The Lord to show me the truths that I needed to see. I opened my Bible, and began to read.

It always brought awe into my heart to think that God merely spoke and the Creation stood forth. Psalms 33:9 states: For He spake, and it was done; He commanded, and it stood fast.  What a demonstration that He is the Almighty and All-Wise God!

Now I would continue with my examination of this amazing Creation.  As I read through Genesis, I found a repeated pattern.  God created and then looked upon His Creation and made a declaration as to the goodness of the Creation.

  • Day 1:  And God saw the light, that it was good.
  • Day 2 and 3:  And God called the dry land Earth; and the gathering together of the waters called He Seas: and God saw that it was good. And the Earth brought forth grass, and herb yielding seed after his kind, and the tree yielding fruit, whose seed was in itself, after his kind: and God saw that it was good.
  • Day 4:  Speaking of the sun and moon and stars:  And God saw that it was good.
  • Day 5:  Speaking of the  sea creatures and the winged fowl:  And God saw that it was good.
  • Day 6:  Speaking of the animals on the earth:  And God saw that it was good.

Over and over again, God declared that His Creation was good. But for the first time in the Scriptures, God declared that something was not good.

And The Lord God said, It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a help meet for him.  Genesis 2:18

There it was – the thing that was not good. It was not good that the man should be alone, and immediately God revealed the solution. He would make a help for the man.

I sat there and pondered the truth.  It is not good for the man to be alone. It is not good for the man to be alone. Then in my mind, my husband’s name was written above that verse. It is not good that “David” should be alone.

Wait! I had one of the most independent and self-sufficient husbands ever! I had even thought, at times, that he could have been one of those mountain men of old. He could have lived alone forever. Wouldn’t have bothered him!

But that wasn’t what the Word of God seemed to be saying.  It is not good that the man should be alone!  There was no indication that the man had realized it was not good, and he certainly had not asked for a help.  No, it was God that said that it was not good for the man to be alone.

I thought some more.  I felt sure that David did not realize that this truth applied to him, but the Word of God was clear – It is not good that the man should be alone!

But that thought was not what impacted me so strongly.  What rang through my heart was:  I will make him a help meet for him!  God was the One who planned for the woman. God was the One who designed the woman. God was the One who created and formed her with one specific purpose in mind – to be a help to that man. The woman was not planned for, designed, nor created by man, but by God Himself.

I could see that being a woman was a special creation – a special creation with a specific purpose.  As surely as the light, the waters, the earth, the plants, the sun, moon, and stars, and all the animals had a purpose, so, too, did the man have a specific purpose, and so, too, did the woman have a specific God-created purpose!

And then, the staggering and startling realization – it was God that had created me to be a woman.  And it was God who had created me to be a help to David. I stopped in the tracks of my mind. God had very individually created me to be a wife to David.  And, at that moment, God called me in a very deep way to give my life to that for which I had been created – to give my life to being a wife to David.

Tears began to flow! How had I missed this?  Yes,  David and I lived in a compatible relationship, but this call was so much more.  My life had been so much about me, and, at times, even about ME being a good wife.  But this was about God! This was about David! I had to get my eyes off of me! I had to look at David in a whole new way!  God had created me especially for my husband!

Humbled, and with tears, I knew God would have to teach me. Truly, His ways are so much higher than mine!  Teach me, Lord. That is all I knew to say!  I had started out with a question, but how personal had been the answer.

Beginning at the Beginning

Sep29

It was about twenty years ago as I sat at my small kitchen table, with red pencil in hand and papers spread out across the table.  I had some questions that  continually reeled through my mind.  I knew that through prayer and study of God’s Word, the answers could be found.

I could recall the time that I had questioned who Jesus really was, and it was in the Bible that I had found the answers.  I could recall the time that I was plagued with questions and doubts, when I uttered the simple prayer, “Lord, increase my faith!” and The Lord brought a new Bible study into the church that I attended.  I could remember how, through that study, I was forever changed by the Word of God.

So here I sat with scattered piles of papers.  This occasion was before the days when everyone had a home computer, so I had asked a friend, who did have a computer, to do me a favor – to print out the major passages of Scripture that were written directly to women or specifically about women and send them to me.  And here they were.  I knew that if I could lay the Scriptures side by side and compare scripture with scripture, The Lord could answer my questions.

I had learned, in my Christian life, that you could find multitudes of books about multitudes of topics, and you could listen to many different opinions and voices, but you would not find a consistency and continuity among them. So for me, the solution had become to put aside those things and just see what the Bible says.

And now, with verses before me and a prayer for The Lord to show me truth, I started my search.  With my red pencil, I would mark similar words, similar thoughts, and similar passages.  The search continued for quite some time.  What I discovered was amazing! There was really no confusion at all!  The Scripture was amazingly consistent!  Growing up in the days of “women’s lib”, the world had successfully clouded and confused the issues regarding women.  But sitting here at my kitchen table, there was no confusion.  No confusion at all, just a calm sense of rejoicing over truth!

The first important truth that I discovered was to begin at the beginning.  As Jesus taught about marriage in Matthew 19 and in Mark 10, He referred His listeners back to the beginning – all the way back to the Creation account in Genesis.

Then as the Apostle Paul taught in the book of 1 Corinthians 11, he referred those saints back to the beginning – all the way back to the Creation account in Genesis.

Next, in the wonderful exposition on marriage in Ephesians 5, the Apostle Paul again takes us back to the beginning – all the way back to the Creation account in Genesis.

And again, as the Apostle Paul writes to young Timothy in 1 Timothy 2, here the same truth is found. He takes Timothy back to the beginning – all the way back to the Creation account in Genesis.

I could see the problem clearly.  As women, we often begin with our selves, our situations or circumstances, and our feelings and emotions.  But the place that I would have to begin was at the beginning.  That is where the word of God began, and that is where the writers of the New Testament returned to explain and expound truths about marriage and about women. That is where I, too, would begin – at the beginning.

Another exciting discovery that I made was that these truths regarding marriage were true at Creation – and that before the Fall.  That meant this was God’s perfect design!  I felt a freedom, as a woman, that I had never felt before – a freedom to be what God intended me to be!

I bowed my head and thanked The Lord. I picked up my papers and put them in my manila envelope.  Time to put them away – for today, anyway. Time to cook supper.  But this one thing I was sure of, I would be returning to this little stack of papers. And I would begin at the beginning – with a study of the Creation account in Genesis!  I knew marvelous and freeing truth would be found there!  And I couldn’t wait!