Tag Archive | women

Nancy’s Story: Becoming a Help Meet

Oct21

 

Help Meet“It’s hard to find good help!”  Why did my husband continually make that sarcastic statement?  And even more pressing, why did it irritate me so?  I helped him all the time.  I at least tried, and I certainly helped him more than he ever helped me.  Yet the comment would still come, and the irritation persisted.  Finally, at the point of total frustration, I took the comment before the Lord in prayer.  Lord, why does he consistently say that it is hard to find good help?  What is it that I need to know?  Those questions were the beginning of a journey with the Lord that has taken me to difficult and yet wonderful places – a journey that I have struggled through, yet a journey that I cherish deeply.

As I took my frustrations and struggling questions before the Lord, He gently began to open some truths to me that have changed my life forever.  First of all, the Lord showed me that I truly was not a very good help to my husband.  In his own way, my husband was asking for me to be a better help, but because of the tone in which he made his comments, I continually ignored and resisted his statement.  Within my mind, I actually argued against his persistent comment.

But in His gracious way, the Lord was beginning to teach me how to be a help to my husband.  How was I going to learn to be a good help?  Quite honestly, did I even want to?  The Lord probed very deeply within my heart, until I saw my selfishness and my self-determined way.  I knew the verse:  It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a help meet for him.  I knew that was the Lord’s purpose in creating a woman, and I thought that I wanted to be that kind of wife.  However, when it came to the place of living it out, I quietly resisted those truths.  Even though I said that I wanted God’s ways, in my heart I found that I really wanted my own way.  Sometimes I went through the outward motions of trying to help my husband, but in my heart I wanted to be doing something else.  There certainly was no enjoyment found in setting aside the things that I wanted, or thought I needed to be doing.  Being a help to him so often seemed like drudgery.  But my eyes were being opened.  I began to see that my husband was right.  I was not a good help to him.  I also began to see that it would take the Lord to give me a true desire, and it would take Him to teach me how to be a good help.  I had never heard anyone address the “hows” of being a help meet for your husband.  They always seemed to just say that you should be one.  I certainly had not had a college course entitled “Help Meet 101.”  No, it was going to take the Lord to teach me what He wanted me to be.

One by one, little by little, here a little, there a little, the Lord put some very practical truths into my life.  The first thing that He taught me was to listen to the things that my husband was saying.  He began to show me that if I would set aside “how” my husband spoke to me, and just listen to “what” he said, I would learn exactly how to be a help to this man.  Because I would always get caught in the emotion of “how” he spoke to me, my mind never really heard “what” he was saying.  And sure enough, as I learned to set aside the sarcasm, belittling tones, even anger, at times, I could hear – really hear – what my husband wanted (and needed).  Sometimes I could just ignore the tones; sometimes I would have to forgive them before I could proceed to listen to the words alone.  I could then take “what” he had said, and the Lord would bring to my mind some very specific ways that I could change my ways or better help him.  Walking in this, time and time again, I became, by the Lord’s grace, a much better help to my husband.  And the joy came, not so much from my husband, but in knowing that this was pleasing to my Lord.

The second major truth that the Lord opened my eyes to see was that I was to be this help to my own husband.  That was why I must hear him.  Being the wife of this man – and this man alone –  would look quite different than being the wife of a different man.  My focus was always to be on what this man needed in a helpmate.  My eyes were opened very clearly to this truth in the area of cooking.  My husband worked hard each day, ate a sandwich at lunch, and expected a rather large, hot meal for supper.  I had a friend whose husband ate business lunches every day, and never wanted a big meal for supper.  Though I quietly wished that my husband, too, would want a small, simple meal, I came to see how important it was to cook for my husband if I was to be a true help to my own husband.  Now, in order to actually follow through in this truth, it meant that several changes would have to take place in my schedule and my life.  But over time, I was privileged to see the delight in my husband knowing that a special meal was prepared for him each evening.  The truth of being a help to my own husband played itself out in many ways.  There was not a certain formula that I could follow to be a help for this man.  I would have to listen to the things that he was saying, take them to the Lord in prayer, walk in those things that the Lord showed me, and over time, watch the confidence that was being built in my husband in the help that I was becoming.  Pure delight would be on his face if there was something that he had just mentioned in conversation that we needed to do in the future, and I took care of it.  What a help I became!

As I was learning to really listen to the things that my husband was saying, I was also learning to watch him.  If I would step back and watch what he was doing for just a few moments, I could always see ways that I could step up alongside of him and assist him.  Perhaps I could bring him something or hold something for him.  It was, however, important that I didn’t try to take over.  I would just quietly help.  Interestingly, by watching him, I learned to anticipate what he would need next.  We also came to really enjoy one another’s company as we worked on his little projects together.  Perhaps one of the most important things that I learned about helping him with his projects was to set aside the things that I had wanted to do.  I wouldn’t even let my mind think on those things while I was helping him.  Always, if I allowed my mind to think on “my” things, I would be distracted and impatient and could not restfully enjoy helping him.  I began to learn how to clear my schedule, take care of the necessary things ahead of time, and set the other things aside so that I could help him without distraction.  Can you believe my surprise and delight when, one day, he declared that he would rather me help him than anyone else, even other men!  What a long way we had come from that sarcastic statement of “It’s hard to find good help.”

I continued to grow.  I was still learning to listen. I was still learning to watch.  Now I began to learn to anticipate what he would need.  Many times I would already know the things that he would need or desire.  It made being a help so much easier.  I could anticipate many things before he even spoke them.  Of course, there were the daily things.  I knew the clothes that he would need for work, the kind of lunch he liked packed, the type of supper he would desire.  But there were also the companionship things that I could anticipate –  what he might like to do to relax, how I could encourage or support him, how I could enrich our times alone together.  What was slowly happening was that I was ordering my life around his, and the results were amazing.

Another lesson that I learned – the hard way –  was that if I truly wanted to be a help to my husband, that had to be the priority of my life.  What things that he asked me to do, I learned to do first.  Many times I would have my list of things to do, and I may not get to those things that he had asked me to do.  I was, then, found either scampering around to get them done or making excuses as to why they were not done.  The Lord had been repeatedly reminding my heart to do those things first, but I didn’t see how it would do any harm when I did them, as long as they were done.  One day the Lord cemented the truth deep within my heart.  My husband had an important meeting and had asked me to do the simple task of making copies for his meeting.  The library was only a block away, so the task was quite an easy one.  The Lord prompted me many times to go make the copies.  I kept putting it off.  A serious rain storm set in, and I waited until later in the day.  When all of that was past, I hurried to the library to make the copies.  I would still have plenty of time.  When I got to the library, the copy machine was broken.  Quickly, I regrouped.  I would go to the post office to make the copies.  When I got there, I found that copy machine also broken.  In disbelief, I hurried to a copy place, made the copies, and returned home.  To my dismay, my husband had come home a little early, went to the meeting without his copies, and was very unhappy with me.  I was so confused.  I had every intention of doing those things that my husband had asked me to do.  It was just all of the circumstances that had hindered me from completing the task.  When I took all of those situations and circumstances back before the Lord, I heard that still small voice say, “If you had done it first, there would have been no problem.”  Though I still need reminding, I learned that day to make helping my husband be the priority of each day.

Still another lesson that I was to learn was to be available to him at all times.  Availability was the key that opened yet another door.  I began to understand that I must not be so busy with my responsibilities that I would be unavailable when he needed me.  Maybe he would come through the house to ask me to give him a hand, or perhaps he would call from work with an errand he wanted me to do.  Was I fully available to him?  Often I found myself telling him why I couldn’t do what he needed.  Rather than see these as conflicting things, I learned to trust the Lord with those circumstances of life.  I would pray for Him to control those “interruptions,” but when they came, I would see them as from the Lord’s hand.  It made it so much easier to give my husband the help for which he had asked.

In all of these things, I learned that there were two important factors involved in truly being a help to my husband.  The first was that I must think according to truth.  I must see my husband in the light of the Word of God.  I must also see my place alongside of him in the light of the Word of God.

The second factor that made all the difference was how my heart had been prepared before the Lord.  Had I taken time that morning to spend time with the Lord?  Had I renewed my mind regarding what the Lord says to wives about their husbands?  Was I prepared, in my heart, for another day of service to my Lord in the place where He had placed me?  If so, I could proceed through the day in a way that honored the Lord.  However, if I had failed to do those things, I began the day with my own thoughts, my own ways, and my own list of things to do for that day.  Those days produced a totally different result.

There was one final thing that proved to be a great blessing to me.  If I would stop from the busyness of life for ten or fifteen minutes before my husband came home, to once again renew my mind, I would be refreshed and eager to see him, looking for ways that I could serve him – ways that I might encourage him – ways that he might be refreshed – ways that I could help him.  But, once again, if I failed to do that, many times he would seem like a bother as he interrupted the many things that I felt I had to do.

“It’s hard to find good help!”  Occasionally I will still hear those words come from my husband’s lips.  But the interesting thing is that they are never directed at me.  They may be spoken about someone working on his job, someone in a department store, or someone in the auto parts store, but never are they spoken about me.  More often than not, I hear, “Thanks for helping me.  I appreciate your help.”  Imagine how my heart smiles!

It has been a long journey, and I continue to learn things from day to day.  I still learn to listen – I still learn to watch – I still learn to anticipate – I still learn to keep my own husband as the priority – I still learn to be available to him – I still learn to renew my mind and to prepare my heart daily. As the Apostle Paul so aptly stated: Not as though I had already attained, either were already perfect: but I follow after, if that I may apprehend that for which I am apprehended of Christ Jesus (Philippians 3:12).  God created me to be a help meet for my husband.  I pray that I may truly live the life for which He created me.

The above anonymous testimony was first printed in Woman – Precious in the Sight of God © 2002.  I, again, extend my thanks to ladies willing to share their story to the glory of God.

So, What Is a Help Meet, Anyway?

Oct5

Sometimes I wondered why I had so many questions.  It seemed that when I settled one question in my heart, another would just rise up.  But I have learned that questions are not necessarily a bad thing.  I am not talking about the kind of question that Satan spoke through the serpent in the garden when he said:  Yea, hath God said?  Through that question he brought in doubt, temptation, and finally disobedience and sin (Genesis 3).

The kind of question that can produce amazingly good results is the questioning heart that desires to understand truth – the one that seeks to understand what God is really saying in His Word and how that applies to the individual’s life.

And, for the question to result in goodness, the seeking person absolutely must go to the right place to find the answer. The Bible teaches that the Holy Spirit inspired the holy men of old to speak, and thus, write the Scriptures (2 Peter 1:20-21).  The Bible also teaches that it is the Holy Spirit who teaches us and guides us into all truth (John 14:26, 16:13).  Isn’t it incredible that the same One who authored the Word and fully understands its meaning is the same One Who will teach us!

So, here was my question:  What is a help meet, anyway?  Back to Genesis and into the Scriptures I went.  First, I discovered what a help meet is not!  The kind of help that God had designed the woman to be was not a negative thing. When God finished all of His Creation, as He looked at His completed work, He saw that it was very good (Genesis 1:31).  So then, woman being a help for her husband was a part of this very good thing.

Next, I found that this relationship, with the woman as a help to her husband, was perfect and wonderful!  You may raise an eyebrow at that statement in disbelief, but let me explain why it had to be perfect. This relationship was the way that God Himself had designed it, and the woman was called a help BEFORE the fall.  Perfect God, perfect Creation, perfect relationships!  It may take some time thinking upon this truth to get a grasp of it, but for the woman to be a help to the man had to be amazingly good – not one negative thing about it – all goodness!

It was then that I knew I did not understand much of anything about God’s intentions and God’s ways. I also knew the way that the world (and my own flesh) reacts to this truth had been because of not having the right view.  But, I really wanted to understand the right view – God’s view!

I knew that spiritual understanding could only come, by the Spirit, through the Scriptures, so I continued to dig. I got out some concordances to find where this word help could be found in the Scriptures, in what context it was used, and what was the meaning in those passages.  I was so surprised at what I found!  The word help was most often used when God was speaking of Himself. These were just a few of the passages I found:

Psalm 115: 9-11 refers three times to:  the Lord, He is our help.  

Psalm 33:20 speaks of:  … the Lord: He is our help …

Psalm 124 explains that:   .. the Lord who was on our side is our help.

God had used this word help to describe Himself. This word did not carry the meaning of a wimpy, subservient helper. This word portrayed a strong help – someone who was on their side!

Then as I looked up the word meet, I found that the word was actually part of the phrase meet for him.  It was used in a variety of ways, but commonly meant in the presence of; to stand before; to correspond to. Things were beginning to make more sense. The woman was going to live with the man, in his presence.

God Himself walked with the man, as He was in perfect fellowship with him in the garden. But God was creating another person, of flesh and bone, to be with the man.  Then I recalled that it was the aloneness of man that was not good.   It is not good that the man should be alone. And in response to the aloneness, God had created the woman as a help – meet for him.

Oh, and then another question!  The word help was actually the noun that the Scriptures used to name the woman. I wondered what other nouns were used in the Scriptures to name the wife.  Well, we had this word: help. And then, we had numerous uses of wife and woman.  Those two were understandable. Were there any others?  I searched and searched.  And then, I found it! In all of the Bible, there was only one other noun that I found used to describe a wife.  In Malachi 2:14, God called the wife a companion.  A companion … A companion … A companion!  When I thought of that word placed in the setting of Genesis, I understood!  God was not making the woman in a negative, slavish role as the world would portray.  He was addressing the aloneness of the man.  He was making a companion for the man – a special, beautiful, wonderful, very good creation from God – a companion to walk alongside him, to be with him, to be a strong help to him, to be on his side.

I knew I had lots to pray about. But God had taken all that I had studied and woven those truths into two simple words: help and companion.  I now understood more clearly my calling:  Be a help and companion to David.  I knew that I didn’t know all that this meant, but I definitely knew that I would need to spend much more time with him.  My life would need to be much more about him and much less about me.

I could see that many changes were on the horizon.  But interestingly, they didn’t look like storm clouds.  On the contrary, it was as if a beautiful sunrise was dawning.  As strange as it seemed, something inside me found goodness in this answer. Yes, sometimes questions produce such unexpectedly amazing answers!

It Is Not Good

Oct2

I returned to my kitchen table, the place where I so often studied, with a question on my mind. I was trying to determine why the Creation account of Genesis was so important. In so many passages in the Bible, when discussing women and marriage, that is the truth that was referenced. So as the question pressed on my mind, I bowed my head to ask The Lord to show me the truths that I needed to see. I opened my Bible, and began to read.

It always brought awe into my heart to think that God merely spoke and the Creation stood forth. Psalms 33:9 states: For He spake, and it was done; He commanded, and it stood fast.  What a demonstration that He is the Almighty and All-Wise God!

Now I would continue with my examination of this amazing Creation.  As I read through Genesis, I found a repeated pattern.  God created and then looked upon His Creation and made a declaration as to the goodness of the Creation.

  • Day 1:  And God saw the light, that it was good.
  • Day 2 and 3:  And God called the dry land Earth; and the gathering together of the waters called He Seas: and God saw that it was good. And the Earth brought forth grass, and herb yielding seed after his kind, and the tree yielding fruit, whose seed was in itself, after his kind: and God saw that it was good.
  • Day 4:  Speaking of the sun and moon and stars:  And God saw that it was good.
  • Day 5:  Speaking of the  sea creatures and the winged fowl:  And God saw that it was good.
  • Day 6:  Speaking of the animals on the earth:  And God saw that it was good.

Over and over again, God declared that His Creation was good. But for the first time in the Scriptures, God declared that something was not good.

And The Lord God said, It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a help meet for him.  Genesis 2:18

There it was – the thing that was not good. It was not good that the man should be alone, and immediately God revealed the solution. He would make a help for the man.

I sat there and pondered the truth.  It is not good for the man to be alone. It is not good for the man to be alone. Then in my mind, my husband’s name was written above that verse. It is not good that “David” should be alone.

Wait! I had one of the most independent and self-sufficient husbands ever! I had even thought, at times, that he could have been one of those mountain men of old. He could have lived alone forever. Wouldn’t have bothered him!

But that wasn’t what the Word of God seemed to be saying.  It is not good that the man should be alone!  There was no indication that the man had realized it was not good, and he certainly had not asked for a help.  No, it was God that said that it was not good for the man to be alone.

I thought some more.  I felt sure that David did not realize that this truth applied to him, but the Word of God was clear – It is not good that the man should be alone!

But that thought was not what impacted me so strongly.  What rang through my heart was:  I will make him a help meet for him!  God was the One who planned for the woman. God was the One who designed the woman. God was the One who created and formed her with one specific purpose in mind – to be a help to that man. The woman was not planned for, designed, nor created by man, but by God Himself.

I could see that being a woman was a special creation – a special creation with a specific purpose.  As surely as the light, the waters, the earth, the plants, the sun, moon, and stars, and all the animals had a purpose, so, too, did the man have a specific purpose, and so, too, did the woman have a specific God-created purpose!

And then, the staggering and startling realization – it was God that had created me to be a woman.  And it was God who had created me to be a help to David. I stopped in the tracks of my mind. God had very individually created me to be a wife to David.  And, at that moment, God called me in a very deep way to give my life to that for which I had been created – to give my life to being a wife to David.

Tears began to flow! How had I missed this?  Yes,  David and I lived in a compatible relationship, but this call was so much more.  My life had been so much about me, and, at times, even about ME being a good wife.  But this was about God! This was about David! I had to get my eyes off of me! I had to look at David in a whole new way!  God had created me especially for my husband!

Humbled, and with tears, I knew God would have to teach me. Truly, His ways are so much higher than mine!  Teach me, Lord. That is all I knew to say!  I had started out with a question, but how personal had been the answer.

Beginning at the Beginning

Sep29

It was about twenty years ago as I sat at my small kitchen table, with red pencil in hand and papers spread out across the table.  I had some questions that  continually reeled through my mind.  I knew that through prayer and study of God’s Word, the answers could be found.

I could recall the time that I had questioned who Jesus really was, and it was in the Bible that I had found the answers.  I could recall the time that I was plagued with questions and doubts, when I uttered the simple prayer, “Lord, increase my faith!” and The Lord brought a new Bible study into the church that I attended.  I could remember how, through that study, I was forever changed by the Word of God.

So here I sat with scattered piles of papers.  This occasion was before the days when everyone had a home computer, so I had asked a friend, who did have a computer, to do me a favor – to print out the major passages of Scripture that were written directly to women or specifically about women and send them to me.  And here they were.  I knew that if I could lay the Scriptures side by side and compare scripture with scripture, The Lord could answer my questions.

I had learned, in my Christian life, that you could find multitudes of books about multitudes of topics, and you could listen to many different opinions and voices, but you would not find a consistency and continuity among them. So for me, the solution had become to put aside those things and just see what the Bible says.

And now, with verses before me and a prayer for The Lord to show me truth, I started my search.  With my red pencil, I would mark similar words, similar thoughts, and similar passages.  The search continued for quite some time.  What I discovered was amazing! There was really no confusion at all!  The Scripture was amazingly consistent!  Growing up in the days of “women’s lib”, the world had successfully clouded and confused the issues regarding women.  But sitting here at my kitchen table, there was no confusion.  No confusion at all, just a calm sense of rejoicing over truth!

The first important truth that I discovered was to begin at the beginning.  As Jesus taught about marriage in Matthew 19 and in Mark 10, He referred His listeners back to the beginning – all the way back to the Creation account in Genesis.

Then as the Apostle Paul taught in the book of 1 Corinthians 11, he referred those saints back to the beginning – all the way back to the Creation account in Genesis.

Next, in the wonderful exposition on marriage in Ephesians 5, the Apostle Paul again takes us back to the beginning – all the way back to the Creation account in Genesis.

And again, as the Apostle Paul writes to young Timothy in 1 Timothy 2, here the same truth is found. He takes Timothy back to the beginning – all the way back to the Creation account in Genesis.

I could see the problem clearly.  As women, we often begin with our selves, our situations or circumstances, and our feelings and emotions.  But the place that I would have to begin was at the beginning.  That is where the word of God began, and that is where the writers of the New Testament returned to explain and expound truths about marriage and about women. That is where I, too, would begin – at the beginning.

Another exciting discovery that I made was that these truths regarding marriage were true at Creation – and that before the Fall.  That meant this was God’s perfect design!  I felt a freedom, as a woman, that I had never felt before – a freedom to be what God intended me to be!

I bowed my head and thanked The Lord. I picked up my papers and put them in my manila envelope.  Time to put them away – for today, anyway. Time to cook supper.  But this one thing I was sure of, I would be returning to this little stack of papers. And I would begin at the beginning – with a study of the Creation account in Genesis!  I knew marvelous and freeing truth would be found there!  And I couldn’t wait!