The Goodness of Affliction

Jul23

The goodness of affliction. Goodness? Affliction? Those two ideas always seem contrary to one another. How is it even conceivable that suffering or troubles, whether from circumstance or people, could, for even a moment, be considered good?

Affliction is addressed in many places throughout the Bible. In Psalm 119 alone, the psalmist refers to affliction repeatedly:
Verse 67 states: Before I was afflicted, I went astray …
And then verse 71 makes an amazing statement: It is good for me that I have been afflicted; that I might learn thy statutes.
And finally in verse 75, the psalmist praises the Lord for His faithfulness:
I know, O Lord, that Thy judgments are right, and that Thou in faithfulness hast afflicted me.

And it is these verses that have stirred in my heart and mind for the last couple of months – since I was diagnosed with breast cancer. I can humbly say that the Lord is making these verses real in my life.

Very soon after my diagnosis, the Lord began speaking to my heart saying that He wants ALL of me. I discussed this with my husband, and he asked me what the Lord wanted me to do. But I explained to him that though there may be something that the Lord wants me to do in the future, right now what He was saying was that He wants ALL of me … that He wants ALL OF MY HEART!

I had no idea of the path that the Lord had prepared for me, but I can, in all honesty, say that before I was afflicted I went astray, that it has been good for me that I have been afflicted that I might learn His statutes, and that in His faithfulness He had afflicted me.

How did He bring this about?
Before I was diagnosed with cancer, the church had asked me to lead a ladies group on the study of the Sermon on the Mount found in Matthew 5-7. After discussing the request with my husband and the pastor, we agreed that I would serve in that capacity, although the study was not scheduled to begin until the fall, which would be several months later. I felt so unqualified and began to pray regarding the study. Then along came the cancer, with appointments, procedures, biopsies, surgeries, and more.

I had “still” time, and quite a bit of it. I had told my husband that though I had this illness, I still needed to use my time well. Therefore, I “decided” to begin studying the Sermon on the Mount in preparation for the fall study. There are inadequate words to describe what the Lord has done in my heart. Yes, although I have been a Christian for over 30 years, I saw that before I was afflicted, I went astray, and indeed, the Lord wanted all of my heart.

It is impossible to explain, in one writing, the depths of the truths that the Lord has been showing me, but with His guidance I will attempt to summarize the path that I have been on. This path was not trodden in one day. I have been weeks and months in these truths. May the Lord Himself show forth His truth!

As I began to study this sermon, I saw that the Lord was teaching His disciples and that these truths are true for every child of His throughout all generations. It was as if He was speaking directly to me! Remember, He had shown me that He wanted ALL of my heart, and He lovingly laid it all out before me.

Blessed are the poor in spirit: for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
Poor in spirit. Humble. Emptied of self. Broken, knowing that in my self I have nothing to offer God. I can only fall before Him, pleading for mercy. That is how everyone who has entered the kingdom of heaven entered, but I must REMAIN humble in heart. How easily pride slips in, and how often the enemy causes one to lift himself up in pride. How many times do I look down on others with criticism and silently pat my own self on the back? Pride and arrogance have no place in the life of a child of God. How often the Scripture exhorts the child of God to humility! Indeed, I had gone astray. And yes, the Lord wanted ALL of my heart!

Blessed are those who mourn: for they shall be comforted.
Mourning. What is this mourning? When one comes before the Lord poor in spirit, he will of necessity mourn over his sin as he sees how far short he falls. But do I continue to mourn when I sin? How often do I compromise without any remorse? How quickly I justify and excuse sin. How complacent am I when worldliness begins to creep into my heart? How readily do I accept my flesh responses to situations or people? It is all still sin! I must remain poor in spirit, grieving to the point that I confess to Him. There He is faithful and just to forgive, and there I am comforted. Yes, indeed, I had gone astray. I had allowed sin to settle in my heart. And the Lord wanted ALL of my heart for Himself.

Blessed are the meek: for they shall inherit the earth.
Meekness. How I have come to love this word! What is meekness? Meekness is not easy to describe. It seems that there isn’t a good word in the English language that defines meekness, nor is it something that is seen readily in our culture. Meekness comes following being poor in spirit and mourning. Meekness is a place of surrender to God, and a calm assurance rests in the heart of the child of God that she is His child and that He cares for her perfectly, only acting in goodness toward her. What this calm assurance produces is peace within the heart. The amazing effect of this meekness is that no matter the difficult circumstance and no matter the problem the difficult person may bring, God is in control of it all, and I can rest in Him. But besides the wonderful, confident rest and peace that meekness brings, it also prevents certain behaviors in my life. It will prevent one from retaliating, from lashing out, from storing up resentment and bitterness in the heart. It is not self-centered, nor self assertive. The effect of meekness is all because the child of God is trusting every situation and circumstance in the hands of her Heavenly Father. Yes Lord, without any exceptions, You want ALL of my heart!

Blessed are those who hunger and thirst after righteousness: for they shall be filled.
All of these qualities described in the Beatitudes are qualities of the heart, and so is this hunger and thirst. What are the desires of the heart? What do I truly hunger and thirst for? Is it God’s own righteousness? Is it all the things that God says is true and right? Do I have a deep desire to reflect Him as He truly is? Or do I settle comfortably into my own ways? As the world insidiously creeps in, do I find myself seeking worldly things and worrying about such? The heart moves away from hungering and thirsting for God, and settles for some worldly endeavor rather than seeking first the kingdom of God and His righteousness. Even busyness in doing “good” things can interfere and subtly change hunger and thirst for Him to desires for other activities. And, there again, I saw that surely I had gone astray. And, most importantly, that God wants ALL of my heart for Himself.

What I was beginning to see is that God wants my heart to consistently remain with Him. He wants me to continually humble myself before Him. He wants me to be sensitive to the Holy Spirit’s conviction and guidance, confessing when I fail. He wants me to remain meek and trust every circumstance of my life to Him, without reacting in a fleshly manner. And He wants me to continually seek Him above all else.

All of those heart qualities are directly related to my relationship to Him, and I am eternally grateful that He gives His children His own Holy Spirit to comfort, guide, and enable us. For apart from Him, we can do nothing!

I had been so convicted and humbled as I examined my heart and my relationship with God in the light of these truths. But my examination was not over. God now turned the focus to my relationship with others and my heart toward them.

Blessed are the merciful: for they shall receive mercy.
The first quality of the heart toward others addressed by the Lord is mercy. Why is that such an important quality to find in the heart of the believer? I believe that when a person has truly experienced the mercy of God, the very mercy of God must be manifested through him as he turns toward others. Apart from being merciful to others, I can never reflect the Father as He truly is. I had to face some tough questions. How often did I look at others with a critical spirit toward them rather than one of mercy and compassion? How often did I truly lift those same people up to the Father in prayer, that they may come to know Him and experience His mercy? God says His mercies are new every morning. Did I consistently and faithfully reflect the mercy of God? Oh, how short I fall. How desperately I desire for the Lord to take ALL of my heart.

Blessed are the pure in heart: for they shall see God.
I cannot even begin to speak regarding purity of heart. I cannot even imagine the blessing that it would be to truly be pure in heart. A pure heart. Pure thoughts. Pure motives. Serving the Lord purely, sincerely, and in singleness of heart at all times! The human heart is a desperately wicked heart, deceitful above all things, as the Scripture declares. Yet, our loving God says that He gives the believer a new heart, a heart that is like His own! How humbling, that God would be so gracious to any one of us. I understand the cry of the Psalmist: Create in me a clean heart and renew a right spirit within me. Lord, only You can do this in me!

Blessed are the peacemakers: for they shall be called the children of God.
Peacemakers. My whole life is to be an ambassador for Christ. My life is to be about reaching out to others that they may be reconciled to God. And then, as I interact with others, am I a peacemaker? Or do I find myself guilty of stirring envy and strife? Do I gossip? Or do I speak with words to edify and minister grace? Am I a part of healing relationships? Do I forgive? Am I truly a peacemaker? Again, I will trust the Father to change this heart to make it all He desires it to be! Truly, He wants ALL of my heart!

Blessed are they which are persecuted for righteousness sake: for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
If someone is growing in all of those attitudes of the heart revealed in the Beatitudes, doesn’t it seem as though he would be respected? The Scripture indicates otherwise. It says he will be persecuted, insulted, and falsely accused. Yet, the believer is to rejoice – to rejoice in the Lord! It is an honor to be counted worthy to suffer for Him, and great is the reward in heaven!

I have only given a quick glimpse into these Beatitudes, but the truths are deeper and higher than we can fully comprehend. The Lord has just begun showing me what He means by wanting ALL of my heart. He wants it for Himself. He wants to dwell there. He wants me to be conformed to His image.

Yes, slowly over time I had gone astray. I was like the church of Ephesus described in Revelation who had left her first love. God always call me to repent – to turn back to Him. And there I find the same gracious, merciful, forgiving Father as when I first believed.

I am still studying the Sermon on the Mount, and will likely be here for some time. I still have another surgery ahead of me, and I know that the Lord has much more for me to learn on this cancer journey, but right now, He is teaching me that it is good that I have been afflicted because He is truly bringing my heart back to Him! Yes, My Lord wants all of me. He wants all of my heart. And if you are His child, He wants all of your heart, too!

It is good for me that I have been afflicted; that I might learn thy statutes.
Psalm 119:71

I know, O Lord, that Thy judgments are right, and that Thou in faithfulness hast afflicted me.
Psalm 119:75

Julia’s Story: Enter the Elk!

Dec9

I love to hear ladies tell their stories as they study Biblical marriage and begin to desire to respect their husbands, and love and submit to them. Each story is as varied as the husband and wife in the marriage. But one thing is sure. Things will begin to change!

I recall the young wife who came into a marriage class so excited, as she reported that for years her husband had been asking her to wear her hair down rather than in a pony tail. It was fun just to see her excitement as she had arranged her life under her husband, and the conflict went away.

Certainly, submission is not usually so easy as changing a pony tail, but many times it is in the small things where the changes first begin. Those changes are actually occurring in the heart. In instances where there has been resistance for many years, a wife will delight as she submits to her Lord by submitting to her husband, no matter how small the issue may seem.

My favorite example of the simplicity of submission came from the young wife whose husband had asked her for years to put the ironing board on her side of the bed rather than on his, but she had persisted in her own way. Again, the simple joy of simple submission as she gave in!

But ironing board, move over! I now have another favorite story. This is a simple story of a wife desiring to honor her husband as she arranged her life around his. Here, in her own words, is her story.

Julia’s Story: Enter the Elk!

For years I never would allow mounted animals in my house. I grew up with all kinds of creatures staring at me on the walls: squirrels, deer, and raccoons. If it could be mounted it would go on the walls. I do not know why, but I never wanted that to follow me in my adult life. It was normal, and almost expected, as a child to enter homes in my family and see this sort of trophy on walls, but as an adult I was not “HAVING IT”.

My husband, through the years, began to hunt more and more. He killed a deer and had it mounted. I would not hear of that animal hanging in my living room, so he hung it in his closet. That was fine with me. He got to enjoy it, and I did not have to be bothered with it – seemed like a good deal to me. Along the way, he acquired another deer; he hung it in the garage. As years passed, trips got bigger and further away from home. Instead of local hunting camps, now he went to Colorado. It was his 2^nd trip to Colorado, and I was really dreading it. He is gone for at least 10 days and with 2 small children at home, it gets rough for me and them. We were sitting at the table the last night before he was to leave, talking about how great it would be if he killed something huge.

My 6 year son said, “Daddy, when I kill my 1^st deer, I am going to hang it in my closet, too!” UGH, the agony of hearing him say that made me see how wrong I “MAY” have been. My husband teased and said, “Do you see what you have done to our ‘manliness’?” I felt worse. My husband told our son that he was sure if he killed a deer, I would let him hang it over his bed. I told my husband if he killed a ‘huge’ animal, I would let him hang it in our house. I felt safe because he had gone before and not killed anything…. Right??? Well, little did I know what I was saying.

The trip came and went, and, yes, he did kill the 2^nd to largest ELK in the hunting camp area/region. It took a year for the ELK to get mounted and be sent home. The closer it got to that animal coming home, the more I thought I do not know where it is going, but it will not fit in my house. The whole year I said that thing is too large for this house. Let me give you some dimensions. I have 10 foot ceilings. For the mounted animal to fit under my ceilings it has to be mounted 5 foot above the floor, which to me is not appropriate level. It sticks out from the wall 52 inches, so to hang it takes special care. I would not want anyone to round a corner and poke their eye with a horn..

On the night prior to the Elk arrival, my whole house was excited to think the Elk was on the way home. Yes, I was too. My husband had said he would probably take the elk to his boss’s camp in Arkansas… it would fit in perfect there. The camp has cathedral ceilings and rustic décor. I did not want to see him do that but I was not satisfied with hanging it in my house either. Before bed I was reading a Blog on husbands and wives and putting the needs of others before your own. I went to bed praying for my marriage and to have a heart more along the lines of what God would want me to have. When I awoke the next morning, I had a joy and assurance that my husband must bring the ELK home, and I wanted it to stay at home. I wanted it in our foyer and even assured my husband that could be his trophy room. He was so excited and almost giddy. It’s funny how the power of prayer can change a heart. I know it was the power of God because I could not change myself. I now look at that beast of an animal and call it “pretty”.

What I had resisted for years, I now welcomed into my home. Surely, it wasn’t for me. But because I wanted to honor my husband in our home, my heart had changed. ENTER THE ELK!

Wisdom of An Aged Grandmother

Dec1

But I fear, lest by any means, as the serpent beguiled Eve through his subtlety, so your minds should be corrupted from the simplicity that is in Christ.

2 Corinthians 11:3

A number of weeks had passed since her stroke. The ninety-three-year-old grandmother lay bedridden in the nursing home. No longer able to even turn herself in the bed and unable to see, the only means of communication that existed was failing hearing and impaired speech. But that is the physical description. Within this aged shell there yet remained soul and spirit and an active mind.

Occasional visitors came her way. Many left discouraged over her condition, while others sensed the futility of life. Not so as I visited the aged widow, for as I left that visit, the Lord spoke deeply to my heart, with a message that I pray stays with me for a lifetime.

On a prior visit, we had discussed the Lord and her favorite passages of the Bible. I asked if she had her Bible there, with the thought that I might read to her. Though she had much hearing loss, she could still hear and what’s more, understand those things which were being discussed. Therefore, I told her that on my next visit, I would bring her Bible. My intention was that I would read to her, and I would leave it on the bedside table where she could request of other family or friends that they, too, might read to her, if she so desired. We completed our visit; I kissed that frail forehead and slowly and thoughtfully left the nursing home.

As I had intended, I got her Bible and brought it for our next visit. We talked of family and friends for a while, of her younger life, of special memories that she had. I rubbed her arms and shoulders with lotion as we talked of things that were special to her. I asked if she remembered what I was going to bring her. She knew well; “My Bible,” she said. I was going to read to her, but no need. She began to quote me Psalm after Psalm, without missing a word. How foolish! I thought I had something to offer her, but it was she who had something to offer to me.

It was then when she made an amazing statement. She said, “I am making a list for you. I’m going to write it down for you.” Knowing the impossibility of the task of writing for her, I simply replied, “Why don’t you tell me your list, and I’ll write it down.” In my naivety, I felt that she was going to tell me of a few more items that she would like for me to bring to the nursing home on my next visit. To my surprise and delight, her list was far different from my thoughts.

The list began: “Remember the power of prayer.” A little taken aback, I then knew that I was to be very attentive to this list and to the wisdom that this aged grandmother had to offer. “OK,” I said, “I put that at the top of the list.” Her reply came quickly, “Trust in the Lord at all times.” Again, I was speechless, as I realized that she indeed had a message for me. I asked if there was anything else that she wanted on the list. “Not right now,” she answered. Realizing that she was tiring, I told her that I would keep the list and that we could add to her list later if she would like.

I continued with a few little matters in the room. As I was preparing to leave, very faintly, I heard, “One more thing.” “One more thing for the list?” I questioned. “Yes, love one another.” I paused, and she said “That’s all.”

There – the list was complete. Remember the power of prayer. Trust in the Lord at all times. Love one another. As I left the nursing home, I pondered these truths on the drive home. I was utterly overwhelmed at the simplicity, yet the fullness, of these quivery words. Over and over, within my spirit, I heard, “The simplicity of Christ.” It really is that simple, isn’t it, Lord?

In Christianity, we complicate the Word of God and the truth of the gospel. We get entirely too intellectual, too argumentative, too denominational. No wonder the Apostle Paul feared that the believers at Corinth would be corrupted from the simplicity that is in Christ (2 Corinthians 11:3).

Perhaps you, too, are questioning: “Is it really that simple?” After a long life, with all that the world had to offer, the great King Solomon summed it up in this way: Let us hear the conclusion of the whole matter: Fear God, and keep His commandments: for this is the whole duty of man (Ecclesiastes 12:13). The prophet Micah explained it as such: He hath showed thee, O man, what is good; and what doth the Lord require of thee, but to do justly, and to love mercy, and to walk humbly with thy God? (Micah 6:8).

The Apostle Paul, told the believers at Ephesus, as he did with many other churches: Wherefore I also, after I heard of your faith in the Lord Jesus, and love unto all the saints … (Ephesians 1:15). And our Lord Himself taught: Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind. This is the first and great commandment. And the second is like unto it, Thou shalt love thy neighbor as thyself. On these two commandments hang all the law and the prophets (Matthew 22:37-40).

What a simple little list came from that feeble ninety-three-year-old grandmother. But what profound truths! And how her words resembled the words of the Lord, and of prophets, apostles, and kings!

I cherish that brief visit, and look forward to our next visit, should the Lord allow. Will she have more marvelous nuggets of truth? I wonder if she is lying in that bed making a list for me!

How precious is the simplicity that comes from Christ!

Kara’s Story: Learning to Build

Nov25

Every wise woman buildeth her house:

but the foolish plucketh it down with her hands.

Proverbs 14:1

Except the Lord build the house, they labor in vain that build it.

Psalm 127:1

What a work God has done in my heart with these two verses! For so many years of my marriage, I was a foolish woman, constantly plucking my house down around me with my very own hands. Oh, I didn’t realize that was what I was doing. I thought that I was standing up for my rights as a “liberated” and “educated” female. I thought that I deserved a life beyond my husband and two children. I didn’t realize that God had given me a precious gift – a household full of wonderful people – and that I was the one steadily destroying it. God had done more than His part, bringing my family through many self-inflicted storms and trials, but every time the Lord would begin to pour a foundation for my family, there I would be, tearing it down to the ground by my words and neglect.

Now that I look back, I should have seen what was going on, especially since in His mercy, God had given me a very vivid physical example of what neglect causes with the house that we had bought soon after our daughters were born. This house seemed perfect when we first visited it – quaint, quiet, understated – the perfect place to raise our children. But little did we know the work that is required to keep a house, especially an older house, as ours was, in good condition.

I was busy with my job (in a Christian work, by the way) and my husband was busy establishing a new business. The house – like my family – was left to itself. Unbelievably soon, the roof was leaking, termites had eaten through the foundation, and the beautiful yard that the previous owner had so painstakingly landscaped was overgrown with weeds. We were so overwhelmed when we realized the work ahead of us that we simply threw up our hands in defeat. And I did the same thing with my family. I will spare you the details of the damaging results, but suffice it to say, my home and my family were nearly destroyed.

But then a miracle occurred. God saved me and began to open up the truth of His Word to me, line upon line, precept upon precept. He began to use my physical house to show me what was happening to my household and to my family.

One day, my husband discovered that the main support of the house would have to be replaced before any other repair work could be done; God used this to show me that my family needed Him as our main support before any other lasting improvements could be made.

On another occasion, my husband found that termites had damaged our walls and many of them would have to be rebuilt; likewise, we would have to rebuild our family’s spiritual walls through prayer, study, and church.

Little by little, we have begun to repair our home, both physically and spiritually, and little by little, I am changing from that foolish woman who destroys her home to one that builds her home. Each day I pray that God will show me ways to build – and any ways that I may be destroying – the precious family with which He has blessed me.

Through wisdom is a house builded; and by understanding it is established: and by knowledge shall the chambers be filled with all precious and pleasant riches.

Proverbs 24:3-4

Anabelle’s Story: No Respect for Him

Nov20

“Just one verse, God, just one. That’s all I need.”

Here I was, weeping, alternately pacing the aisles and lying on the altar, all alone in the church after everyone else had gone home. I begged God to show me just one verse in His Word that I could use to justify leaving my husband. I was done.

How had we come to this?

I hadn’t always felt this way. I met my husband when I was fourteen years old, and I knew when I saw him I would marry him. We married once I graduated high school and began life together with a baby and a move to another state, away from all I had ever known. He found it hard to keep a job, and something happened that I didn’t expect. I began to not like this man very much.

I disliked his job-hopping. I disliked that fact that he had made us move away. I disliked his spending. I disliked how he spoke to our daughter.

This marriage business was hard. Why couldn’t he just stand up and be a man and take care of us like he was supposed to?

After several years, we moved back home, and my mother began to invite me to a church she was attending. At first, I dismissed her. After weeks of asking, though, I finally gave in and found myself in a little church. Something was different here. These people actually tried to live what they heard on Sundays. They talked about their failures, and there was no shame, only forgiveness. No grudges, only reconciliation. To an unsaved young woman, educated and bitter, this all seemed too weird.

For two years, I attended ladies’ classes and ladies’ retreats, sat in on prayer meetings, and learned to trust the elder women in this church. Through their example, God turned my heart to Him and I was wonderfully saved. One area still bothered me though. The women talked of how they loved their husbands, what great men they were, how thankful they were for them. Each comment made me ache. How could they have such perfect marriages and mine be such a disaster?

And then the darkness came. My husband had suffered a debilitating injury and was required to have a dangerous surgery. The risks were high, the doctors said, and recovery would take months. Even if the surgery were a success, there could be side effects that would affect my husband permanently.

The doctors were right.

Then only three months after his surgery, Hurricane Katrina came. Our home flooded, and there was no money to repair it. My husband fell into depression and stayed on the computer constantly. I would get up in the morning and see him in front of the screen; come home from work, there he was; and go to bed, with him never coming out of the office. There was no intimacy between us, either emotional or physical. We were roommates, not husband and wife.

I was so lonely, and it wasn’t long before the tempter began to whisper, “He shouldn’t treat you like this. He’s so selfish. Doesn’t he know that you need him? Doesn’t he know that you need to feel loved and wanted?”

And it wasn’t long after that that the tempter came in the form of a man, a man who smiled at me and told me I was beautiful and how much better he would treat me if he had me.

It was only by the grace of God that I didn’t fall completely. It was my Father Who protected me, not my vows or my fear of what others would say if they found out. I was long past caring about any of that. I was wrapped up in my own longings and disillusionment.

And now here I was, depressed, broken, alone at the altar in that little church. I picked up my Bible, barely able to see through my tears. I opened it up randomly and began flipping the pages, going to the places that I knew taught on divorce, hoping I would find a verse that would justify my leaving. The first place I found myself was Matthew 5—divorce allowed only in the case of fornication (v.32). He hadn’t cheated on me, so that was out.

Matthew 19—“What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder.” (v. 6)

Next, I Peter 3: “Likewise, ye wives, be in subjection to your own husbands; that, if any obey not the word, they also may without the word be won by the conversation of the wives;” (v. 1)

WHAT??!! I’m supposed to love and submit to my husband even if he’s not saved?? God, I know You know how this man is, and this can’t apply to me. I’ll try again.

And then, I Corinthians 7.

“And unto the married I command, yet not I, but the Lord, Let not the wife depart from her husband…” (v. 10)

Not exactly what I was looking for, but I read on anyway. Perhaps there were exceptions.

“And the woman which hath an husband that believeth not, and if he be pleased to dwell with her, let her not leave him.”(v. 13)

My tears were beginning to dry, not because I found peace, but because I was angry. Why can’t I leave him? Does God expect me to live in this despair, this heartache forever? I slammed the Bible shut, then re-opened it.

Proverbs 31—“The heart of her husband doth safely trust in her, so that he shall have no need of spoil. She will do him good and not evil all the days of her life.” (v. 11-12)

I was struck by these words. “The heart of her husband doth safely trust in her…She will do him good and not evil all the days of her life…”

The Holy Spirit brought to my mind the times I had screamed at him like a banshee to “be a man!” The times I had loudly disrespected him in Wal-Mart when he wanted to buy something unnecessary. The times I had complained about him to my mother, my sister, my best friend, to anyone who would listen. The times I refused his attention, choosing instead to work because “it was what I had to do.”

I was so ashamed, and I am ashamed again as I write this. He had just had to walk through the darkest months of his life, and while I had done what was necessary to help him physically, I had abandoned him emotionally. I had committed adultery in my heart and justified it. I, his wife, the one he had chosen to walk through life with, had already left him.

So now I had a decision to make. Would I obey the words that my Father had so gently, but firmly, brought to my attention? Or would I forever damage my daughter and my testimony for my selfishness?

I am glad to say that my Lord gave me the courage to walk in His truth. This was not an overnight change in my heart, but a day-to-day commitment that I would be a daughter my Father would be proud of. I resolved that I would no longer speak negatively about my husband to anyone. When discussions began to turn ugly, I would close my mouth and refuse to rise to the bait. I would make myself available to help him and listen to him and love him.

Over time, I saw my Lord bless His Word. My husband was saved, and our marriage was renewed gloriously. The defining point in our renewal was the night God pressed upon my heart to tell my husband about the other man. Oh, how worried and afraid I was! But I knew that in order for us to truly be one, there could be no more secrets.

What happened that night cemented my love for my husband and for my Jesus. I saw my husband’s heart break as I told him of my betrayal, and I saw the battle he fought within his mind. Then, I heard the sweetest words I’ve ever heard: “I already knew. I love you, and I always will. I forgive you.” And he really did. He never brought the subject up again, and his actions toward me afterward never held any bitterness.

I cannot express to you what the Lord worked in my heart that night, but what I do know is that the man I was so determined to leave became the man who showed me the love of Jesus like I had never known. The Lord has shaped my husband into a leader, an innovator, a man with talent, compassion, strength, and grace, and I have seen through him the clearest picture of Christ’s forgiveness and love.

Just one verse. That’s all I thought I needed. But God had given me so much more. He gave me truth. He gave me love. And by His grace and mercy alone, He gave me a true marriage.

Katherine’s Story: An Unfaithful Husband

Nov15

Oh, it would never happen to me! When I get married, my husband would never be unfaithful to me. How sure I was! And quite boldly I would proclaim that I would never leave my husband except for two things – physical abuse or unfaithfulness. I would declare, quite frankly, that should either of these things happen, I would be “out the door,” never to return. But the reality of life often hits hard, and when it hits, a marriage can be shattered. You sit in that shattered heap of rubble and wonder, “How did I ever end up here?”

My husband and I had been married for several years, and was thought by most, including myself, to be happily married. My husband’s career was quite successful. We had beautiful and healthy children. We had a very nice home, and from all appearances, all was well. But all was not well. My husband often stayed late at work. He went out after work with friends. A few drinks to relax after a hard week’s work – what could be the harm? But that lifestyle and many “few drinks” led to the bed of adultery and to much harm.

I was unaware of how deeply our marriage was in trouble. I knew that there was a distance between us, but I didn’t know what it was. I knew that he was gone often, but I tried to be understanding. I wanted things to be different, but I didn’t know where to begin. But God knew just where to begin.

The place that He began was not with my husband, but was with me. He began to teach me, through His Word, how to be a wife to my husband. He began to teach me how to be a help to my husband. He began to teach me how to stand in support of my husband. And after several months into becoming this new wife that the Lord was creating, the Lord did an unexpected thing. Through a series of circumstances, the Lord removed my husband from his job, causing our financial state to immediately change. As difficult as this seemed at the time, how graciously the Lord removed my husband from the very surroundings that were pulling him astray. We were now in each other’s company almost constantly, and the truths that the Lord had taught me about being a wife were truly becoming a part of our marriage. Though finances were difficult, our marriage seemed stronger than ever.

And then came that fateful day – my husband said that he wanted to talk to me about something. I knew from the tone of his voice that it must be serious, and as I settled into my place on the sofa, I heard that still, small voice of my Lord say, “Just listen.” I knew to be quiet and just listen. My husband began to tell his story – his story of unfaithfulness to me and to our marriage. He said he would understand if I wanted to leave, and concluded with, “I truly am sorry.” Still not having uttered a word, words began to come from the depth of my heart – words that definitely were not my own words. My words would have screamed. My words would have accused. My words would have lashed out to make him hurt as much as I was hurting. But instead of hurtful words, I heard myself saying, “The Lord has forgiven me much. I know that I must forgive you.” The conversation was ended. He again reiterated that he was sorry, and he went to work at a small job that he had begun.

The right words had been spoken, and again all seemed well. But all was not well. As my husband left our home to go to his job, I was left alone to face the darkest hour that I had ever known. In the midst of hurt and despair that words cannot describe, I walked into our bedroom, closed the door, and wept, and wept, and wept before the Lord.

As strange as this may sound, there was a voice, though not audible, speaking to me. The voice was very clearly telling me that my husband had a gun, and that I knew where he kept it, and that I knew that it was loaded, and that it would be so easy to end this whole thing. As this voice cleverly attempted to pull my thoughts toward death, I so very clearly heard another calm, but authoritative, voice say, “No, she is mine.” My Lord had spoken.

At that point, I was able to pick myself up from the floor. I went to get my Bible, sat in the middle of my bed, and said, “Lord, speak to me. I need to hear from you.” The Lord God, by His Holy Spirit, walked me verse by verse through forgiveness. He showed me, in the Scriptures, the truth of the words that I had spoken before but had not understood. He showed me that truly He had forgiven me much and that I was to forgive my husband in this same way. He took me, passage by passage, through the epistles where Christians are commanded to forgive. Step by step, these are the truths (NKJV) through which He had me walk:

I beseech you to walk worthy of the calling with which you were called, with all lowliness and gentleness, with longsuffering, bearing with one another in love … (Ephesians 4:1-2).

… and be renewed in the spirit of your mind … (Ephesians 4:23).

… put on the new man which was created according to God, in true righteousness and holiness … (Ephesians 4:24).

Let no corrupt word proceed out of your mouth, but what is good for necessary edification, that it may impart grace to the hearers … (Ephesians 4:29).

Let all bitterness, wrath, anger, clamor, and evil speaking be put away from you, with all malice … (Ephesians 4:31).

And be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God in Christ forgave you … (Ephesians 4:32).

And again:

If then you were raised with Christ, seek those things which are above ... (Colossians 3:1).

Set your mind on things above, not on things on earth ...” (Colossians 3:2).

… put on the new man who is renewed in knowledge according to the image of Him who created him ... (Colossians 3:10).

Therefore, as the elect of God, holy and beloved, put on tender mercies, kindness, humility, meekness, longsuffering … (Colossians 3:12).

… Bearing with one another, and forgiving one another, if anyone has a complaint against one another; even as Christ forgave you, so must you do ... (Colossians 3:13).

Yes, my Lord had spoken. I must forgive my husband, just as my Lord had forgiven me. Then, my Lord brought me to yet another passage:

… so that on the contrary, you ought rather to forgive and comfort him, lest perhaps such a one be swallowed up with too much sorrow ... (2 Corinthians 2:7).

Therefore I urge you to reaffirm your love to him … (2 Corinthians 2:8).

… that I might put you to the test, whether you are obedient in all things … (2 Corinthians 2:9).

… I have forgiven that one for your sakes in the presence of Christ lest Satan should take advantage of us; for we are not ignorant of his devices … (2 Corinthians 2:10-11).

I had no doubt – I had asked to hear from my Lord, and I had heard. I knew that not only was I to forgive my husband, but I was also to comfort him and to reaffirm my love to him. This was truly a test. Would I be obedient in all things? By a work of God’s grace that I cannot explain, the Lord enabled me to walk in His truth. Exactly how I was to reaffirm my love to my husband I was not sure, but I was committed to do what my Lord had spoken. I had regained my composure, had settled my heart, and was prepared to obey my Lord.

The telephone rang. The person on the other end of the line said that my husband’s grandfather, who had been a special part of my husband’s life, was dying, and if my husband wanted to see him, he needed to come right away. My husband’s grandfather lived out of town, and of course, no one knew all that had transpired in our home that morning. I, however, knew exactly what the Lord wanted me to do. I knew that our finances would not allow my husband to make the trip. We simply had no money. But God always knows exactly what He is doing. A Christian friend had sent me some money, some while back. She said she knew that I wouldn’t want to keep it, but begged me to keep it because she knew, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that the Lord had told her to send it. Because she was so sure, I tucked the money and envelope away, with a prayer. If the Lord had actually sent the money, I would wait until He showed me its purpose. I called my husband, delivered the message about his grandfather, and prepared myself for him to come home. I knew that I was to tell him that I was committed to the Lord, committed to him, and committed to our marriage. I was also to give him the money from the Lord and offer to go with him to visit his grandfather. That was the beginning of the working out of the forgiveness that the Lord had worked within. My husband did see his grandfather before he died, and at the same time, a new season of our life was born.

Although the Lord had done a wonderful work, the reality of life is still real. Each step of the way, I had to lean hard upon the Lord, listening keenly for His voice. Nauseating pictures of my husband with another woman would arise in my mind. I would have to refuse to think upon those things and replace those thoughts with the truth. My Lord had forgiven that horrible sin, and I must not and would not allow my mind to dwell there. Time after time, I would have to refuse to allow myself to think on the sin, and force myself to think only upon the Lord’s grace and forgiveness. Slowly, through days, weeks, and months, the thoughts came less and less. I had to work through the feelings of rejection, the feelings of insecurity, the impressions of myself as undesirable, and the question of “What was wrong with me?” I also had to work through the times that my husband would turn to me for intimacy when everything within me would want to push him away. But as always, my blessed Lord would speak truth to my heart, “Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord.” And with a desire to obey my Lord, I would willingly submit.

Do any of those thoughts ever return to my mind? On very rare occasions they do, but as before, I must steadfastly refuse them. They are not thoughts from my Lord. It is the enemy speaking; he is called the accuser, and he seeks to kill, steal, and destroy. I simply respond with, “It is forgiven.”

There is no way to describe how fully and completely the Lord does a work. Many years have passed since those hurtful days. The Lord has truly healed and blessed our marriage. My husband and I sincerely love one another, and both of us fully enjoy married life. What the Lord has created is a stronger marriage than we ever possessed before. How is this possible? The only answer that I can give is that if you belong to the Lord, He loves you with an everlasting love. He will care for you in every situation and circumstance. The greatest challenge that you will face is to trust Him, to hear Him, and to humbly obey Him. Don’t refuse the only One who can truly help you! He truly is the only hope that we have!

I’ve grown so much since those naive days when I thought that this would never happen to me. None of us know what life holds for us. And as to the bold assertion that I would never stay with a husband who was unfaithful to me, stay I did. “Why?” – you may ask. “You had every right to leave.” The only answer that I have is that my God is a God of forgiveness, and He tenderly spoke truth to my heart. These words I will never forget, “Even as Christ forgave you, so you also must do.” Glory to His name!

Now unto Him that is able to do exceeding abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that worketh in us, Unto Him be glory in the church by Christ Jesus throughout all ages, world without end. Amen. Ephesians 3:20-21

Rachel’s Story: A Difficult Husband

Nov12

How in the world can I live with this man? He is so overbearing, so contrary, and downright impossible. Those were the thoughts that continually ran through my mind. My husband was never physically abusive, but he was so sarcastic, so negative, and so critical that I was emotionally spent. I had arrived at the place where I was constantly stressed. I cringed when I heard his car drive up in the driveway. I did love him, but I certainly did not like him most of the time. I settled into a place of knowing and expecting his disapproval of most things that I did or said. In every situation that arose, it was “his way or no way.” Although we had been married for several years, I was ready to give up and get out. It was then that The Lord intervened.

The Lord began to show me that too often Christians expect things to be easy. The Lord never says that life will be easy. Many times, in fact, we are placed in difficult situations so that He can, not only grow us, but also shine through us, all for His glory. Such was what I came to understand.

Through the years of our marriage, I had learned to lean on The Lord often. I had learned to forgive often, yet I still struggled. I would often cry out to The Lord to show me how to cope.

One thing that I had learned in my life was to turn to the Bible to find answers. And that is exactly what I did. I began to study marriage, as God addressed it in His Word. Over and over, I kept coming to the same truth – Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands. But over and over, I responded the same way – Lord, You just don’t know how difficult he is. This is just not possible for me.

Time and again, I would read the same truth – Wives, be subject to your own husbands. And time and again I would tell The Lord why this would not work for us. I had convinced myself that I was the exception to the rule. It just wouldn’t work in my marriage because no one knew how he was.

I am sure that I had read these scriptures before, but one day I came to 1 Peter 3 in a whole new way. Likewise, ye wives, be in subjection to your own husbands; that, if any obey not the word, they also may without the word be won by the conversation of the wives. I sat in absolute amazement! The truth was the same, but for the first time, I saw us right in the middle of that verse – that if any obey not the word. Right there! That described my husband perfectly. I always battled back and forth in my mind as to whether my husband was an unsaved man or an unspiritual man, but either way he definitely did not obey the word. That was us, a perfect description of us.

But the astounding truth was that the wife was commanded to submit just as any other wife. The truth captivated me! I went back to that verse day after day, and it seemed that little by little The Lord opened the scripture to me. Just because I had a difficult husband gave me no excuse. I heard over and over – Even if he is difficult, submit anyway!

Then, on one of my return trips to that verse the word likewise caught my attention. Likewise, I thought: Like what? Like the scriptures that preceded this one. So I backed up to the previous verses. Here is what I found:

We are commanded to submit to governmental authorities – even if they are difficult ones. (1 Peter 2:13-17)

We are commanded to submit to our masters (bosses) – even if they are difficult. (1 Peter 2:18-20)

Then, we are given the ultimate example – Jesus Himself, when He was mistreated. And what a perfect and precious example (1 Peter 2:21-23).

He did not sin in return when He was sinned against.

No evil was found in His words.

When He was spoken to in a harsh way, He did not speak harshly in return.

When He suffered, He did not threaten in return.

But this is the thing that He did do: He committed Himself to Him that judgeth righteously.

Words cannot describe what that word LIKEWISE came to mean to me! I was supposed to respond just as my Lord had responded.

Humbled, I fell to my knees crying out for The Lord to help me be submissive to my difficult husband.

But The Lord wasn’t finished teaching me yet. Without a word …. Without a word … Without a word! I was to submit to him. No arguing. No complaining. No whining. Even when, and especially when, he was difficult, I was to submit, with a good attitude, but without a word! It was to be my behavior, just as it was Jesus’ behavior that spoke! How much I had to learn. The Lord wanted to use me as an example to my husband, right in the midst of the difficulty. Oh, how I would need the grace of God to walk here.

But this is exactly where I did walk, by God’s amazing grace. I did not walk here perfectly, but it did become the pattern of my life. Attempting, from the heart, to walk in obedience, with a meek and quiet spirit, I was enabled to arrange my life under my husband, even in the difficult times. I walked right here for many years! And years later, an incredible thing happened. God saved my husband! I praise God for His intervention into our marriage.

There is one further thing that I would like to share. Some while later my husband was asked to give a devotion to some young men. He prepared his devotion privately, and I never knew what he said. But one day, years later as I was cleaning and sorting some files, there I found a notepad with his notes from that devotion. And there it was! I had never shared 1 Peter 3 with him, but there it was! He had begun his devotion with 1 Peter 3, and gave his testimony of how The Lord had worked through my behavior.

I held that notepad tightly to my chest, and cried and cried and cried! In a mighty way, I had learned that God is so real, and He is faithful to His Word!

May I encourage you … No matter how difficult the situation, don’t leave God out of the picture. Don’t refuse or argue with the only thing that can help you. Don’t rationalize truth away. I had made every one of those mistakes!

Go to His Word. Hear Him! Cling tightly to what He says, especially in the difficulties! And trust Him with the results! He is faithful!

I had wondered how in the world I could live with this man. Now, I knew how! It had taken me years to learn, but now I knew! Even today, all I can say is: Thank You, Lord!

Vanessa’s Story: God’s Faithfulness to the Single Woman

Nov2

Sharing Your Story, one of the components of Wisdom and Kindness, provides a place for women to anonymously share their stories. This category was developed with the ultimate intent of emphasizing God’s faithfulness, even in the difficulties and struggles of life. Each story is true. Each story is anonymously written. Each story is written to proclaim the hope that is found in The Lord! May The Lord bless!

Vanessa’s Story – God’s Faithfulness to the Single Woman

Being single in a world where couples are “the norm” is not very easy and can present challenges in life. It seems that everywhere you look there are couples or pairs in some form or fashion. There are couples sitting together in restaurants, church services, ballgames, or other events. Then there are the challenges that continually remind you that you are doing something by yourself. For example, there is the waitress who asks: Table for just one? There are hotel rate packages based on double-occupancy. And there are actually increased rates or up-charges for a single person going on a cruise alone! Add this to the well-meaning people who are not satisfied that you have not married yet. It takes a cultivated strength to keep a smile on your face when you are asked many times over: So when are you going to get married? Are you seeing anyone? It is easy to feel left out, like the “odd-ball” or that you are swimming upstream.

But, there is the upside! I love the freedom I have to be impulsive and make plans at the spur of a moment. My time is my own. There is no coordination of schedules before accepting invitations to attend various events. There is no one with whom to compromise on what I should cook for dinner or what color the house should be painted. There is no one to get aggravated at me if I choose not to clean the house but rather spend the day visiting friends or family. Yes, there are definite advantages that I certainly enjoy being single.

I love good food, trying new restaurants, and traveling. Many people would never eat at a restaurant, tour a museum, or take a vacation alone. They would choose to stay home. But I had determined a long time ago that I would never let my single state prevent me from doing something that I really wanted to do. I want to live life and not miss great opportunities because I feel funny doing things by myself or because I can’t find someone to go with me. So, with a good book in hand, I’ll eat at a restaurant and enjoy a great meal. With a prayer for protection, I’ll visit sites, museums and open air memorials in places like Washington DC, Paris, Monterey and others! Over time, a certain independence, strength, and confidence is built within. Not an independence from God, but a healthy independence and confidence that was given by God.

So, have I ever felt lonely, or like an “odd-ball”, or confused and pained about being single? My answer is ABSOLUTELY. Singleness is not something I expected or desired. There are not many days that my single state does not come to mind. Sometimes it is as a fleeting thought, but other times it is more than that. Often I review my life to figure out where I went wrong. Was it always intended for me to be single? Did the wrong decisions I made earlier in life lead me to this place? Or does God have someone in mind for me? Occasionally it has been a weight sitting on my chest making me feel that I am being smothered.

And then there is Satan. My enemy has used this vulnerability to drag me into a pit of depression that I’ve stayed in for weeks at a time. These are dark days of deep pain. The thoughts he has spoken to my mind have been vicious, demeaning, and have ultimately caused me to question the goodness of my God. It has brought me to the edge of resentfulness and bitterness. It has caused me to consider quitting the Christian journey of walking in obedience to Christ. But deep down, I have a reverential fear of taking my life into my own hands and choosing my own way. Proverbs 14:12 says: There is a way which seemeth right unto a man, but the end thereof are the ways of death. I do not want to put myself outside the umbrella of God’s favor, blessing, and protection. With that in mind, I reach deep and by faith alone start climbing out of the pit. That is where God’s Word comes in. What a precious Book! Never has the Word of God been so real to me than when I am hurting and searching for relief. God has been so faithful to me through His Word by healing me, nourishing me, and defending me against this enemy. It has been my salvation and stronghold in times of discouragement, confusion, and pain. Once I recognized the attacks of Satan in my life, I began using the weapon of the Word against Him. James 4:7 says for us to …resist the devil and he will flee from you. Second Corinthians10:4 says: casting down imaginations and every high thing that exalteth itself against the knowledge of God. First Peter 5:9 says: whom resist steadfast in the faith. I used these scriptures to resist the attacks that would come upon my mind and emotions. It worked. The Word of God works.

So, how has God been faithful to me in practical, everyday matters? Well, He has blessed me with a great job with which I am able to support myself very well. Finances can be a challenge for a single woman. From the earliest days of my career, God has opened doors of opportunity, promoted me, given me favor with my superiors, and granted me the knowledge and understanding to do a job well. Any time I start to get bored, a new project would be assigned to me. I have also been able to travel, meet people, and make friends in new locations. He alone has done this – not me. I truly marvel at His blessing to me in this area. I tell people that God handed me this job on a silver platter. Many women have a husband with a good job. But in my case, God has provided me with a good job.

Many may think that you have to live a sub-standard life as a single woman, but that is not so. God has always given me “the best”, it seems, in many facets of my life. I love Psalm 32:19 which says: O how great is thy goodness, which thou hast laid up for them that fear thee. One of the words for “goodness” in the Hebrew language is “the best”. The word “laid up” in this verse means “to hide, hoard, or reserve.” What a great picture! I can just see God reserving all of these wonderful blessings specifically for me. An example of this is the opportunity to build a house. Several options were considered, such as renting an apartment or buying an existing home, but things never seemed to work out. God put it in my heart to buy land and build a house and that is what I did. This was “the best” that God was giving me. Although I was very intimidated taking on such a major investment on my own, I foraged ahead asking for God’s continued help and guidance throughout the whole process. I was able to select flooring, countertops, and paint color without considering anyone else’s opinion!

I have a great family that loves me and accepts me as single. I have wonderful friends, both single and married, with whom I can fellowship. These friends are ones who make me feel valued for who I am at this point in time, not ones that try to “fix me” because something is “wrong” with me. These people are a great blessing and I thank God for each one.

Lastly, and most importantly, is the opportunity to serve the true and living God. Being single does provide the advantage of being able to spend time in the Word of God and in prayer to receive instruction, guidance, and knowledge. He has put a hunger in me to learn more about Him. God has been faithful to use me in His Kingdom’s work by providing me the opportunity to study and teach others. I’ve been able to encourage others on an individual basis, counsel them, and point them to the Word of God. I’ve been able to sow seeds in the lives of unbelievers. To Him alone be the glory.

I realize there are many views about being single. Some believe it is a dreaded curse and fear it. Others wished they were single again. Although I do not understand the why’s and wherefore’s of remaining single, my desire is to make the most of it and please Him. Psalm 37:4 says: Delight thyself also in the Lord and He shall give thee the desires of thine heart. The word “delight” actually means to be “soft” or “pliable.” My encouragement for single women is to be soft and pliable under the hand of God. Surrender yourself to God and ask Him to put HIS desires in your heart. He will fulfill the desires He puts there when we surrender to Him.

Julianna’s Story: From Resentment to Respect

Oct24

Julianna’s Story – From Resentment to Respect

How gracious our Lord is! How wonderfully forgiving He is! And how marvelously He grows us as He changes us into His image from glory to glory by the Spirit of the Lord (2 Corinthians 3:18). How many of our ways are so far from His ways! How many of our thoughts are earthly, fleshly, and worldly! Yet, in His grace and mercy He conforms us to the image of His Son! How does one explain this process? There are not adequate words to describe what the Lord can do in the heart of His children through the truth of His Word. However, I would like to make a feeble attempt to share a marvelous work that the Lord has done in my heart through the years. May the Lord use these words to His glory.

Where does this story begin? … And the wife see that she reverence her husband (Ephesians 5:33). A foundational truth for a marriage, as God intends, is found in this one phrase of Scripture – and the wife see that she reverence her husband. One of a wife’s primary goals is to see that she respects her husband. This truth I now know somewhat after many years of marriage, but as I look back through my life I see how amazingly the Lord Himself has brought me to this place. I also sincerely regret how far short I fell from marriage as God intended and how many years that it seemed that I wasted in resentment toward my husband.

As the Lord began to do this work in my heart, He first brought me face to face with this truth: God calls a woman to respect her husband. I do not know why this surprises us so much. God calls children to honor their parents and calls all Christians to respect governmental authorities that are over them. Why does it seem like such a different command for the wife to respect her husband? And if God indeed created the woman to be a help and companion for the husband, how necessary respect would be for her to walk in that calling. In my life, the problem came because I resented so many things that my husband did, and I resented so many of his ways. In all honesty, from the heart, I guess that I did not think that he was worthy of respect. However, as the Lord brought me to the truth of His Word, I found that we are to respect each and every individual because they are created in the image of God. Why did God forbid taking another’s life and require the punishment of those who did so? It was because they were made in the image of God (Genesis 9:6). Why are we not to speak evil of others and curse men? It is because they are made in the similitude of God (James 3:9). So for me, the beginning place of this walk with the Lord was that I must respect my husband as much as I would respect any human being – simply because he was made by God and in the image of God. In the depth of that truth, as God worked it into my heart, I began to treat my husband differently – much more kindly – as I would treat any other.

The second great step that God enabled me to take came as He began to reveal the importance of understanding headship. It was God who had created the husband to be the head of the wife (Ephesians 5:23). The man had not elevated himself to this position. God Himself had ordained the husband as the head as He created the man (1 Timothy 2:12-13). Understanding this truth humbled my heart to areas of resistance that had been built up. I could respect my husband for the position that God had given him, in spite of the fact that he did not do things as I thought they should be done. Much as a child is required to honor a parent because God has so commanded – not because they are perfect parents – but because it is right, I was to respect my husband. And much as we are required to honor and pray for those in authority over us – not because they are perfect leaders – but because it is right to honor their position, I was to honor and respect my husband for his God-given position as my husband! And an amazing thing happened as I began to walk in respect. Much contention was removed from our home, and my husband began to relate differently to me! The change was not an overnight change, but in time, God did wonderful things in our marriage! How God blesses His truth!

As God continued to work in my heart through the years, another astounding thing happened. God did remove some sinful ways from my husband’s life, but the more amazing thing that happened was that God totally changed my view of my husband. Some of the day-to-day things that I resented the most, I actually began to admire. Why was this so? It happened as the Lord changed my heart, and I began to view my husband in a completely different way. Things that I had always seen as negative things now became positive things in our relationship. Qualities that I had always regarded as weaknesses, I now saw as strengths. As unbelievable as this may sound, that is exactly what happened.

If I would have described my husband in the early years of our marriage, I would have described him as an unemotional and unsentimental, domineering workaholic. The implications of all of those qualities are endless. But now, after so many years of marriage and years of growing in the grace of the Lord, my description of my husband would be dramatically different. The unemotional, unsentimental husband that I had has become my greatest stability, next to the Lord. He is not swayed, tossed, and turned by emotion. He does not respond emotionally to situations as I may be prone. He is steadfast and strong, and I have come to rely upon him through many difficulties that have come our way. Because emotion and sentiment do not rule his life, he has been the perfect husband for me time and time again. What I had always wanted to change, I now rely upon, trust in, and am thankful for. What I had always seen as a weakness in him is most assuredly a strength!

As for the domineering side of him, how I resisted him! How often I thought: Do you always have to be so bossy? But again, after all of these years, how differently I view him. How many women complain because their husbands will not lead! I need never worry because my husband always steps easily into leadership. The problem is never with his leading. The problem is always with my following. What I resisted and resented I now value. It is easy to come to him with questions about decisions that I must make. I trust his leadership – into which God has grown him. Again, I must say that he has been the perfect husband for me. What I had always wanted to change, I now rely upon, trust in, and am thankful for. What I had always seen as a weakness in him is most assuredly a strength!

And finally, as for the workaholic to which I felt that I was married, what an entirely different perspective I have been given. As we age together, I still see his drive toward work-related matters. This tendency, however, does not stop his job. He cares for duties around our home very effectively and efficiently. Once again, I see that I never have to concern myself with repairs and upkeep responsibilities of our home, automobiles, etc. The work ethic that he possesses is truly a blessing. He consistently works to provide for our family, and consistently cares for the things with which God has blessed us. This same work ethic blesses others whose paths we cross. How many times I have seen him be a blessing to widows, children, the church, and more! Again, what I had always wanted to change, I now rely upon, trust in, and am thankful for. What I had always seen as a weakness is most assuredly a strength!

Yes, God did soften those qualities in my husband to make them strengths, but much more dramatically, He softened my heart as He gave me a new view of my husband. I suppose that the most humbling thing that occurred was when I realized that the qualities that I had resisted and resented the most were the qualities that were contrary to my flesh! Why did I resent his unemotional and unsentimental nature? Because I was emotional and sentimental! Why did I resent and resist his domineering way? Because I wanted to remain independently selfish! Why did I resent and resist his work ethic? Because, by nature, I was plagued with procrastination and laziness! Can you see how what I viewed as weaknesses in him actually conflicted with my own weaknesses? Once again, I saw much more completely – the problem always arises in our own human heart! And it was that heart that the Lord had to change! And marvelously change it, He did!

I would like to say in closing that your husband will probably not match the description of mine. God creates each individual uniquely. However, your husband will possess qualities that you, in your flesh, will disrespect. Ask the Lord to show you how He intends for that very weakness to be a strength. Ask the Lord to reveal how your own weaknesses conflict with what you deem as weaknesses in your husband. Ask the Lord to give you a heart to be obedient to His Word, no matter the circumstances of your life. And ask the Lord to change your heart from a heart of resentment to a heart of respect. You will forever be glad that you did!

Nancy’s Story: Becoming a Help Meet

Oct21

“It’s hard to find good help!” Why did my husband continually make that sarcastic statement? And even more pressing, why did it irritate me so? I helped him all the time. I at least tried, and I certainly helped him more than he ever helped me. Yet the comment would still come, and the irritation persisted. Finally, at the point of total frustration, I took the comment before the Lord in prayer. Lord, why does he consistently say that it is hard to find good help? What is it that I need to know? Those questions were the beginning of a journey with the Lord that has taken me to difficult and yet wonderful places – a journey that I have struggled through, yet a journey that I cherish deeply.

As I took my frustrations and struggling questions before the Lord, He gently began to open some truths to me that have changed my life forever. First of all, the Lord showed me that I truly was not a very good help to my husband. In his own way, my husband was asking for me to be a better help, but because of the tone in which he made his comments, I continually ignored and resisted his statement. Within my mind, I actually argued against his persistent comment.

But in His gracious way, the Lord was beginning to teach me how to be a help to my husband. How was I going to learn to be a good help? Quite honestly, did I even want to? The Lord probed very deeply within my heart, until I saw my selfishness and my self-determined way. I knew the verse: It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a help meet for him. I knew that was the Lord’s purpose in creating a woman, and I thought that I wanted to be that kind of wife. However, when it came to the place of living it out, I quietly resisted those truths. Even though I said that I wanted God’s ways, in my heart I found that I really wanted my own way. Sometimes I went through the outward motions of trying to help my husband, but in my heart I wanted to be doing something else. There certainly was no enjoyment found in setting aside the things that I wanted, or thought I needed to be doing. Being a help to him so often seemed like drudgery. But my eyes were being opened. I began to see that my husband was right. I was not a good help to him. I also began to see that it would take the Lord to give me a true desire, and it would take Him to teach me how to be a good help. I had never heard anyone address the “hows” of being a help meet for your husband. They always seemed to just say that you should be one. I certainly had not had a college course entitled “Help Meet 101.” No, it was going to take the Lord to teach me what He wanted me to be.

One by one, little by little, here a little, there a little, the Lord put some very practical truths into my life. The first thing that He taught me was to listen to the things that my husband was saying. He began to show me that if I would set aside “how” my husband spoke to me, and just listen to “what” he said, I would learn exactly how to be a help to this man. Because I would always get caught in the emotion of “how” he spoke to me, my mind never really heard “what” he was saying. And sure enough, as I learned to set aside the sarcasm, belittling tones, even anger, at times, I could hear – really hear – what my husband wanted (and needed). Sometimes I could just ignore the tones; sometimes I would have to forgive them before I could proceed to listen to the words alone. I could then take “what” he had said, and the Lord would bring to my mind some very specific ways that I could change my ways or better help him. Walking in this, time and time again, I became, by the Lord’s grace, a much better help to my husband. And the joy came, not so much from my husband, but in knowing that this was pleasing to my Lord.

The second major truth that the Lord opened my eyes to see was that I was to be this help to my own husband. That was why I must hear him. Being the wife of this man – and this man alone – would look quite different than being the wife of a different man. My focus was always to be on what this man needed in a helpmate. My eyes were opened very clearly to this truth in the area of cooking. My husband worked hard each day, ate a sandwich at lunch, and expected a rather large, hot meal for supper. I had a friend whose husband ate business lunches every day, and never wanted a big meal for supper. Though I quietly wished that my husband, too, would want a small, simple meal, I came to see how important it was to cook for my husband if I was to be a true help to my own husband. Now, in order to actually follow through in this truth, it meant that several changes would have to take place in my schedule and my life. But over time, I was privileged to see the delight in my husband knowing that a special meal was prepared for him each evening. The truth of being a help to my own husband played itself out in many ways. There was not a certain formula that I could follow to be a help for this man. I would have to listen to the things that he was saying, take them to the Lord in prayer, walk in those things that the Lord showed me, and over time, watch the confidence that was being built in my husband in the help that I was becoming. Pure delight would be on his face if there was something that he had just mentioned in conversation that we needed to do in the future, and I took care of it. What a help I became!

As I was learning to really listen to the things that my husband was saying, I was also learning to watch him. If I would step back and watch what he was doing for just a few moments, I could always see ways that I could step up alongside of him and assist him. Perhaps I could bring him something or hold something for him. It was, however, important that I didn’t try to take over. I would just quietly help. Interestingly, by watching him, I learned to anticipate what he would need next. We also came to really enjoy one another’s company as we worked on his little projects together. Perhaps one of the most important things that I learned about helping him with his projects was to set aside the things that I had wanted to do. I wouldn’t even let my mind think on those things while I was helping him. Always, if I allowed my mind to think on “my” things, I would be distracted and impatient and could not restfully enjoy helping him. I began to learn how to clear my schedule, take care of the necessary things ahead of time, and set the other things aside so that I could help him without distraction. Can you believe my surprise and delight when, one day, he declared that he would rather me help him than anyone else, even other men! What a long way we had come from that sarcastic statement of “It’s hard to find good help.”

I continued to grow. I was still learning to listen. I was still learning to watch. Now I began to learn to anticipate what he would need. Many times I would already know the things that he would need or desire. It made being a help so much easier. I could anticipate many things before he even spoke them. Of course, there were the daily things. I knew the clothes that he would need for work, the kind of lunch he liked packed, the type of supper he would desire. But there were also the companionship things that I could anticipate – what he might like to do to relax, how I could encourage or support him, how I could enrich our times alone together. What was slowly happening was that I was ordering my life around his, and the results were amazing.

Another lesson that I learned – the hard way – was that if I truly wanted to be a help to my husband, that had to be the priority of my life. What things that he asked me to do, I learned to do first. Many times I would have my list of things to do, and I may not get to those things that he had asked me to do. I was, then, found either scampering around to get them done or making excuses as to why they were not done. The Lord had been repeatedly reminding my heart to do those things first, but I didn’t see how it would do any harm when I did them, as long as they were done. One day the Lord cemented the truth deep within my heart. My husband had an important meeting and had asked me to do the simple task of making copies for his meeting. The library was only a block away, so the task was quite an easy one. The Lord prompted me many times to go make the copies. I kept putting it off. A serious rain storm set in, and I waited until later in the day. When all of that was past, I hurried to the library to make the copies. I would still have plenty of time. When I got to the library, the copy machine was broken. Quickly, I regrouped. I would go to the post office to make the copies. When I got there, I found that copy machine also broken. In disbelief, I hurried to a copy place, made the copies, and returned home. To my dismay, my husband had come home a little early, went to the meeting without his copies, and was very unhappy with me. I was so confused. I had every intention of doing those things that my husband had asked me to do. It was just all of the circumstances that had hindered me from completing the task. When I took all of those situations and circumstances back before the Lord, I heard that still small voice say, “If you had done it first, there would have been no problem.” Though I still need reminding, I learned that day to make helping my husband be the priority of each day.

Still another lesson that I was to learn was to be available to him at all times. Availability was the key that opened yet another door. I began to understand that I must not be so busy with my responsibilities that I would be unavailable when he needed me. Maybe he would come through the house to ask me to give him a hand, or perhaps he would call from work with an errand he wanted me to do. Was I fully available to him? Often I found myself telling him why I couldn’t do what he needed. Rather than see these as conflicting things, I learned to trust the Lord with those circumstances of life. I would pray for Him to control those “interruptions,” but when they came, I would see them as from the Lord’s hand. It made it so much easier to give my husband the help for which he had asked.

In all of these things, I learned that there were two important factors involved in truly being a help to my husband. The first was that I must think according to truth. I must see my husband in the light of the Word of God. I must also see my place alongside of him in the light of the Word of God.

The second factor that made all the difference was how my heart had been prepared before the Lord. Had I taken time that morning to spend time with the Lord? Had I renewed my mind regarding what the Lord says to wives about their husbands? Was I prepared, in my heart, for another day of service to my Lord in the place where He had placed me? If so, I could proceed through the day in a way that honored the Lord. However, if I had failed to do those things, I began the day with my own thoughts, my own ways, and my own list of things to do for that day. Those days produced a totally different result.

There was one final thing that proved to be a great blessing to me. If I would stop from the busyness of life for ten or fifteen minutes before my husband came home, to once again renew my mind, I would be refreshed and eager to see him, looking for ways that I could serve him – ways that I might encourage him – ways that he might be refreshed – ways that I could help him. But, once again, if I failed to do that, many times he would seem like a bother as he interrupted the many things that I felt I had to do.

“It’s hard to find good help!” Occasionally I will still hear those words come from my husband’s lips. But the interesting thing is that they are never directed at me. They may be spoken about someone working on his job, someone in a department store, or someone in the auto parts store, but never are they spoken about me. More often than not, I hear, “Thanks for helping me. I appreciate your help.” Imagine how my heart smiles!

It has been a long journey, and I continue to learn things from day to day. I still learn to listen – I still learn to watch – I still learn to anticipate – I still learn to keep my own husband as the priority – I still learn to be available to him – I still learn to renew my mind and to prepare my heart daily. As the Apostle Paul so aptly stated: Not as though I had already attained, either were already perfect: but I follow after, if that I may apprehend that for which I am apprehended of Christ Jesus (Philippians 3:12). God created me to be a help meet for my husband. I pray that I may truly live the life for which He created me.

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