Tag Archive | children

I Love My Child – Why Am I So Angry?

Dec16

Why Am I So Angry?

It was before the days of home pregnancy tests.  I left the doctor’s office absolutely thrilled.  I was expecting our first child.  My husband and I had been married for three years, and now we had a new little one entering our family.  Everything seemed so perfect!

I began decorating a nursery, and yes, before the days of ultrasound where everyone knows if the little one will be a boy or girl.  I still recall the yellow and green Peter Rabbit decor.  Still, all seemed so perfect!

But as the pregnancy progressed, problems began to surface. My blood pressure rose, unexpected complications occurred, and by the time I was four months pregnant, I was on total bed rest.  My regular OB-GYN would no longer keep me as a patient, and I was referred to a high-risk doctor.  Through four long months of bed rest and an early c-section delivery, what occurred in my heart was a desire beyond description to have this baby.

After ten days of neonatal intensive care, I could finally bring my little bundle of joy home.  Truly he was my bundle of joy! Oh, how thankful I was to have this little one in my life and in my home!  He immediately became my ever-present “sidekick”.  I kept him right with me all the time, and if ever a mother delighted in an infant, I delighted in him.  Rocking, singing, nursing, playing, bathing – it was all a joy!  Again, I thought, all was perfect.

Months passed and turned into years, and a problem was developing.  My precious little boy had a mind and will of his own.  He was very strong-willed and determined to have his own way. I was intensely frustrated much of the time and found myself getting very angry with this one who I loved so dearly.  How could this be? And more importantly, how was I supposed to deal with him?

Through a  combination of circumstances, including my struggle in raising my son, I saw my need for The Lord, and it was then that I turned to Him for salvation.  The Lord began to change me, but I still fought with the anger that would arise in me.

I had a Master’s Degree in Education and a number of years experience in teaching kindergarten, but neither of those things equipped me for dealing with that anger.  I was spending time in the Bible and was growing in my spiritual life, but my problem handling my son persisted.

One evening after my husband had come in from work, he asked, regarding our son, “Do you always have to yell at him?”  Very irritated, I promptly replied, “I do NOT always yell at him!”  And then I thought – if he were here with him all day he would yell at him, too!  Something had gone terribly wrong.  In the course of time, my feelings of incredible delight toward my precious child had turned into utter frustration!

As the next few days passed, I heard my husband’s words echo over and over in my mind.  Finally, I began to realize that he was right.  I truly did love my child, but out of my frustration, I did not treat him as though I loved him!  And, yes, I did yell.  My husband’s words, which I had resented and resisted, had actually served as a wake up call for me.  It was then that I began to pray and ask for The Lord to help me with this anger.

I knew that somewhere in the Bible there was a Scripture about being angry and not sinning.  With my Bible and a concordance in hand, I set out on a search.  And there it was in Ephesians 4: 26 – Be angry and sin not …  Then I noticed a cross reference by this verse, so flipping pages I settled into Psalm 4:4 and began to read: Stand in awe and sin not : commune with your own heart upon your bed and be still.  Offer the sacrifices of righteousness, and put your trust in The Lord.

It was there that I found the steps that would bring me into total freedom from my anger problem.  I was a young Christian, and I took the Bible so literally.  This is exactly what I did that I might be angry, yet not sin.

  • I would go into the privacy of my bedroom, leaving the door open that I might hear to be aware of where my son was.
  • I would literally lay across my bed and talk to my own heart.
  • I would be still and calm myself down.
  • Based upon Hebrews 13:14-16, I learned that the sacrifices of righteousness are actually praise and giving thanks. So, again taking the Scriptures literally, I would praise my Lord and thank Him for my son and the blessings that I experienced as a mother.
  • Then, I would trust The Lord.

Time and again I would take myself through these steps and then deal calmly with my son as needed.  As I walked in these Scriptures, The Lord removed that anger from my heart and renewed the joy that I had experienced with my child as an infant.  I continued to grow in these truths until I no longer needed to withdraw physically to get control of myself.  I could stand right in the room and go through those steps within my heart.

Here was the key – As soon as I began to feel that anger begin to arise in me, I immediately had to go through my “steps” so that the anger would not spill out! Withdraw momentarily, be still, praise, give thanks, trust!  By the grace of God, that pattern became second nature to me, and over time, I was free!

My relationship with my child was renewed.  Once again, he became my little “sidekick”.  We spent all of our time together as we homeschooled for many years.  My little bundle of joy grew into a 6’4″ teenager, but he was still one of my greatest sources of joy!

Because when The Lord does a work, He does it fully, I must also share this part of the story.  When my son was in high school, one of his teachers came to me after church and shared that she had heard some of the students talking about their parents and how they treated them.  My son was in that conversation and had said, “In all my life, I only remember my Mom yelling at me two times!”  Wow! I thought.  My Lord had not only freed me from anger, but He had fully redeemed that whole part of our life.  It was as if it had never occurred.

I went home that night, laid across my bed, was still, praised My Lord, and offered up thanksgiving!  How wonderful is my God!  How wonderful is His grace! And how wonderful is His Word! To God be the glory!

Mom, Will You Play Legos With Me?

Nov30

Will You Play Legos?I sat on the park bench, watching my eight-year old son playing with a friend. As I enjoyed the beauty of the day and the simple joy of the children laughing and playing, a Scripture came to my mind:  Love your children …  Oh no, there it is again, I thought!  That Scripture had been on my mind constantly, returning time and again.  Love your children … I had heard it over and over in my mind.  I knew the Lord was trying to speak to me, but I just didn’t understand.

What, Lord?  What are you trying to say?  Here we were at the park.  I had gotten his friend to play with him, picked up a pizza to bring along, and brought the boys to the park for the afternoon. Yet, I was hearing love your children again.  I was actually feeling a little frustrated and confused. I really didn’t know what The Lord was trying to get me to understand. What else did I need to do?

As the boys played, I ran many thoughts through my mind.  I truly did hundreds of things for my son.  I left a career to be a stay-at-home mom.  I cared for his physical needs impeccably.  He was very well-dressed at all times.  He was well-fed, with his nutrition as a priority of mine.  I homeschooled him, spending hours pouring into his heart the Word of God, as well as being certain that academically he functioned at the top of his age group.  But still the prompting persisted: Love your children.  I really didn’t know what more I could do.  I had given my life to raising him, and I reminded myself  once again of the multitude of things that I did for him.

Well, the play date was over. We took his friend home, and we happily returned to our home.  Happily for him, but I was still troubled within.  I knew there was something that I needed to learn.  I grabbed my Bible and withdrew to my room.  I bowed my heart before The Lord and asked Him to show me what He was trying to say.  I knew there was something that I just didn’t understand.

I opened my Bible to Titus 2 to the passage where older women are instructed to teach the younger women, and there it was … Love your children … Love your children … Love your children.  I knew that I had to understand that phrase.  I pulled out a Bible dictionary and searched for the definition.  What I found opened my eyes, spoke to my heart, and answered my question.  The word used here for love was not agape, the self-sacrificing love to which the Bible so frequently refers. This word for love was phileo, the kind of love that focuses on relationship. It actually describes a friendship love.  It was then that I saw the truth that I had missed. It was then that I understood.  I had spent years doing things “for” my son.  I had actually given my life to that.  But what The Lord was calling me to was to do things “with” my son.  I could see that I needed to focus, not only on the tasks at hand, but on the relationship.

I began to run so many things through my mind.  Yes,  I did that “for” him.   And I did that “for” him.  And I did that “for” him.  But there were not too many “with” things.  Even the afternoon outing to the park had been “for” him.  Then came the flood of questions that I heard replayed in my mind.  Mom, will you play Legos “with” me?  No, Mom has to fix dinner…  Mom, will you ride bikes “with” me?  No, Mom needs to do the laundry…   Mom, will you play a game “with” me?  No, Mom is busy right now.  The tears began to flow.  Now I saw.  Now I understood.  I had been so focused on all of the things that I did “for” my son that I was missing the most important thing of all – the relationship “with” him!

God did something major in my heart that day.  He gave me a new priority.  The truth love your children became very special to me.  Now, when my son would say: Mom, will you play Legos with me, I could hear the “with me” loud and clear.  And I would do my best to say: We sure can!  Even if I could not do it right at that moment, I was sure to let him know that we sure can!  Days turned into weeks.  Weeks turned into years.  Although I still made mistakes, I am thankful that The Lord persisted to teach me that truth.  Love your children – a truth I desperately needed to learn.

My son is grown now, with a family of his own.  Do I have any regrets in raising him?  Do I regret giving up a career to be a stay-at-home mom?  Not for a moment!  Do I regret giving all of those years to homeschooling him?  Not for a moment!  Do I regret painstakingly caring for his needs? Not for a moment!  Do I have any regrets at all? Only one comes to mind – that I would have taken every opportunity to do things “with” him.

The childhood years pass way too quickly.  Love your children. It is a decision that you will never regret!  Mom, will you play Legos with me?  We sure can!  We sure can!

The Light Still Shines!

Oct15

I gently pushed open the hospital door, knowing that things were not going well. I carefully entered, as quietly as I could. All was dark and still, except for the small glimmer of light that filtered through the space where the bathroom door was slightly ajar.  I could see her there, just sitting in solitude, reading her Bible.  I thought to myself, “What is the deal? Why is she sitting alone reading her Bible at a time like this?  I just don’t get it!” But that was the pattern of her life. How many times as a child had I found her alone in her room reading that Bible!

I turned my attention toward the hospital bed where the frail fourteen-year-old lay.  He should be out running and playing or riding bikes or fishing like other young boys, but here he lay, resting quietly at the moment.  His mom had closed the blinds, turned out the lights, and retreated to the only place of solitude that she could find, where she could both read and keep an attentive ear to her precious son. During his waking hours, he was in extreme pain and discomfort so, as he slept, she lovingly kept any and all from unintentionally disturbing him.  She had faithfully cared for him through the years, and now, she would continue to love, nurture, wait, pray, and trust as the long and hard battle against leukemia would come to an end.

We buried my little brother a few days later.  That little guy had literally been my heart – and my closest side-kick. Many special memories would always remain.  But when I think back on those days from over thirty years ago, that vivid memory of my mother reading her Bible, enclosed in the walls of that tiny hospital bathroom, will be forever etched in my mind.

Years passed, and through the course of time, I, too became a Christian. And, yes, I, too, began to read my Bible.  But I was plagued with doubts and questions. Was the Bible indeed true? Could it all be believed?  Why was it so hard for me just to, by faith, accept it all as true?

Then, one day my answer came. I was doing a study on what the Bible actually declares about itself, and I made the most amazing discovery.  I found that the most unbelievable accounts in the Bible, those that are so often mocked and scoffed at, and those which are so often debated, were used by Jesus in His teachings.  I was intrigued! I followed them through one by one. I studied and pondered how He made references to the Biblical truths of old and used them to explain and expound many of His teachings!

Many do not believe in the Biblical account of Creation. but Jesus did! (Matthew 19, Mark 10)

Many do not believe in a literal flood, but Jesus did! (Matthew 24:37-39)

Many do not believe in the destruction of Sodom and Gomorrah, but Jesus did! (Luke 17:28-30)

Many do not believe that Lot’s wife was turned into a pillar of salt, but Jesus did! (Luke 17:32)

And many do not believe that Jonah really remained alive in the belly of the big fish for three days and three nights, but Jesus did! (Matthew 12:40)

These were the passages that made such an impact on me, but there were more. I also saw how he used these Old Testament truths to teach critical doctrines of the faith.  He used the story of Jonah to exemplify His resurrection. He used the days of Noah and Lot to explain what the world would be like at His second coming. He took some of the most controversial of Scriptures to explain truth.  Truly, He believed the Scriptures, and He believed all of it!  There is no way to explain what happened in the depths of my heart!  It was settled!  If it was good enough for my Lord, it was good enough for me! It was true! It was ALL true!  Within my heart, I KNEW it was true!

Rested, grounded, settled, I continued my studies.  I found the same was true of the apostles.  Peter, James, Jude, Matthew, Mark, Luke, John, Paul, and the writer to the Hebrews would go back and reference the Old Testament scriptures. Indeed, they too, believed!  I knew of a certainty that the Bible was true!  I knew that there I could find truth!  I now knew that in His Word, I could hear Him! And my life would be forever changed!

I would go to His Word to find answers to my questions! I would go there for comfort! I would go there for encouragement! Day by day, week by week, month by month, year by year, in the good times and, most assuredly, in the bad, I could be found in some quiet place reading my Bible.

I think back thirty years ago. In my mind, I re-enter that hospital room. I see my mom in that little hospital bathroom reading her Bible!  She didn’t even know I was looking!  “Oh, mom!  I get it! I understand!”  All I can think is, “I love you, Mom!  Thank you for showing me the way!” – when you didn’t even know I was looking!

And for those of you who may still be waiting on your own children – Don’t give up!  Let your light continue to shine!  Even when you are not aware, your children ARE watching!  You never know what God may do when you do not even know that they are looking!

Why the Struggle?

Oct10

Imagine that you are standing beside a towering, wooden fence. You peer through the tiny cracks that seem to call your name.  Through those inviting spaces, you see a beautiful garden. Your heart is captivated, and you intently examine the beauty of the garden.  You desire to walk in the midst of this delightful garden, but you are forbidden.  Something holds you back. Something prevents your entrance. The tall, wooden fence seems to loom In front of you.  You can see the beautiful garden, and you desire to live within those exquisite surroundings, yet you find you are still standing on the outside.  Why can’t you enter in and walk there forever?

This simple analogy is meant to portray what sometimes happens to us as we study the truths of Scripture regarding marriage.  We can go to the garden in Genesis and see the beauty of marriage as God created it. We get a glimpse of the goodness of it, yet we find ourselves standing on the outside.  We would love to be able to walk in the truths that we have learned, yet something prevents us, and we cannot enter in.

Why do we struggle in living out the truths of God’s Word?  Why does a marriage often end up being a miserable battleground rather than the delightful companionship that God intended?  Why, when we desire to change, do we continually return to the battle?  Interestingly, the answer can be found back in the book of Genesis.

A careful examination of the Scriptures will shed light on our dilemma.  In Genesis 1, we a saw God speaking His perfect Creation into existence. Then in Chapter 2, we saw details explained concerning the creation of the man and the woman.  We got a glimpse of the perfect harmony between the man and the woman. Chapter 2 closes with the joining of the two into one flesh. And they both were naked, the man and his wife and they were not ashamed.

But as soon as Chapter 3 opens, deception, temptation, disobedience, and sin unfold.  God’s perfect Creation is marred by sin.  Innocence, perfection, peace, and harmony immediately disappear.  How drastically different the relationships become.  For the first time, the man and the woman become aware of their own selves. And the eyes of  them both were opened, and they knew they were naked. For the first time ever, they become aware of their own flesh.

In addition, their response to God Himself completely changes.  They are afraid, and they hide themselves from God. And as God questions them about their sin and disobedience, blaming and accusations emerge. God declares the consequences that will face not only them, but mankind, forever.  And it is here, as a result of sin, that the struggle is born.

But an even more careful examination of Genesis 2 and 3 will reveal more!

Regarding the man:

In his creation:  God created the man from the dust of the ground.

In his work:   God took the man and placed him in the garden to dress it and keep it. (His  work was directly related to the substance from which he had been created.) And God took him and placed him there.

In the consequence of his sin:  Now difficulty would arise in the very calling and placement of God.  Sorrow, toil, difficulties, thorns, thistles, sweat, struggles would exist in the very calling and purpose for the man.

And follow the parallels regarding the woman:

In her creation:  God created the woman from the side of the man, from his rib

In her work:  God took the woman and brought her to the man. (Her work was also directly related to substance from which she had been created – to be by his side as a help and companion to him.) And God took her and brought her to the man.

In the consequence of her sin:  We  know simply from the design of the woman’s body, that she was the one who was designed to carry children within the womb, to provide a safe, nurturing environment for those children to grow and develop, and she was the one who was designed to nurse children as she snuggled them close to her breast.  But, a part of her consequence would be that in the very thing for which she was created and designed, she would now experience pain and sorrow! She would struggle not only in the bearing of children, but in the raising of them!

Additionally, though she had been created to be a help to the man, she would now desire to rule over him, and, in return, he would rule over her!  Recalling that all of these were negative consequences, we now can understand more clearly the struggle.

What really happened?

The consequences of sin brought an awareness of flesh, a separation from God, and struggles in the very purpose for which God had created both the man and the woman.

Why the struggle, we ask?

We struggle so hard in our marriages because those consequences remain for mankind.  We now have a keen awareness of our own flesh and its desires and are ruled by them; we are separated from God and live apart from Him; and we fight and struggle within the consequences of sin declared from the beginning.

The picture is bleak. Is there no hope? Must we always stand on the outside looking in to God’s perfect ways, but never enter in?

Oh, no, no, no, my friend! There is an answer, but it must be God’s way, and not our own. What, then, is the answer?

First, we must be reconciled to God, and He has made that possible through Jesus Christ. In actuality, He reaches out and calls us to return to Him! And the struggles of life serve to cause us to see our need for Him.

Secondly, we must subdue the flesh.  We must understand that it is impossible for our flesh to produce any good thing.  Our flesh only produces selfishness and strife, both in actions and words.  We must allow the Spirit of the Living God to fill us and control us.  For if you recall, it was the presence of the Spirit of God that Adam and Eve lost which caused them to become so aware of their flesh.

And finally, we must return to the purpose for which God created us.  For the man, dressing and keeping the garden seemed to have the concepts of provision and protection woven within. And for the woman, God’s creative purpose would include being a help and companion to the man.  Additionally, from that union of the two becoming one, God would bring children into the marriage for the husband and wife to nurture, love, and raise to the glory of God.

Three things are a must:  1) a living, loving relationship with The Lord,  2) control by the Spirit of God, and  3) walking in the calling for which God created you.

The struggles will diminish, the joy will increase, and you will forever delight that you entered in!